


I'd Like to Walk Around in Your Mind

by laundromats_and_dryersheets



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Roommates, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laundromats_and_dryersheets/pseuds/laundromats_and_dryersheets
Summary: Adam and Ronan are randomly paired as roommates their sophomore year.And they simply can't stand each other.Enemies to Lovers College AU.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 41
Kudos: 153





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oat_milk_latte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oat_milk_latte/gifts).



> this work is dedicated to my editor and the expert on the raven cycle canon, smb.

Adam Parrish wanted to blow his fucking brains out.

Maybe he was just tired. Maybe it was the fact that there were four strangers in his room helping a blackout-drunk Ronan into his much-too-small twin bed. The light flooding in from the hallway blinded him; bright, fluorescent, flickering. Why was the light on?

Right. Ronan. The group had blundered into the room, filling it with the scent of alcohol and stupidity. They all spoke but Adam couldn’t make out a single coherent sentence — he squeezed his eyes shut as he heard the four boys try, fail, and try again to lift a long-gone Ronan Lynch into his bed. _Go away fuck you go away fuck you fuck off please_ Adam thought, head buried in his pillow. It was a Wednesday night — or maybe an early Thursday morning, he thought — and he was so sick of Ronan’s late-night drunk entrances.

The squeak of bedsprings. A groan from Ronan as he adjusted his pillow. A collective sigh of relief from the group. A shuffle to the door, a loud slam. Suddenly, nothing but darkness and Ronan’s deep breaths from beside him.

––

“Adam, hello, mind if I grab this seat?” Adam looked up from his seat in the dining hall, mouth full of overcooked eggs. He nodded, watching Gansey sit down across from him with a large coffee. His friend looked as he always did; an ironed button-up, his pleated pants, shoes polished so well he could see his reflection. His glasses fit his face perfectly, not a hair out of place, even at 8 A.M. on Thursday.

“Long night?” Gansey asked, as if he could read Adam’s mind. He probably could, Adam decided. 

“Listen, Gansey,” Adam looked up from his plate, “I know you love that Lynch kid, but he’s driving me up the fucking wall. I love this place but the fact that they make us live with random roommates for the first two years is ridiculous — and what shitty luck to get stuck with him. I mean, he came in drunk _again_ last night, but this time he was so gone he couldn’t even get himself into bed. A bunch of assholes came into the room and helped him. I was up for at least an hour after that — I mean, fuck. Really?”

Gansey gave Adam a blank stare and made a noise — maybe one of disapproval? Or concern? He wasn’t sure.

“Ronan promised me he would stop drinking on weekdays,” Gansey said as if he was telling Adam the weather. Matter of fact, dismissive, boring. Adam wasn’t sure what to say, but as if he could sense his apprehension, Gansey stood up with a brief nod and tight smile before leaving Adam at the table. Off to his early-morning Advanced Latin, Adam assumed, or perhaps on his way to lecture Ronan. But that didn’t concern him. Right?

Right.

—

Adam got back to the dorm late; he had eaten dinner with his Western Civ study group before heading to the library for a group project. _Tomorrow is Friday,_ he chanted in his head, _just have to get through this week._ Maybe Adam could even have a restful, uneventful evening.

But of course, that’s not what Adam Parrish got.

Instead, he walked into Ronan Lynch in all his goddamn glory spread-eagle on their dorm floor, eyes closed, headphones turned up so high Adam could hear the music from the doorway. Reluctantly, Adam shut the door and went to step over Ronan, hoping he could get to his side of the room and try to ignore the obnoxious display.

Instead, just as Adam lifted his foot to step over Ronan, he felt a cold hand shoot out and grab his ankle. Ronan’s eyes shot open just as Adam let out a single _Fuck_ before dropping his phone on the floor in surprise. Ronan pulled down his headphones and while keeping his grip tight.

“Y’know, Parrish, it’s pretty rude to step over me like I’m not even here. You couldn’t even bother with an ‘Excuse me, dearest friend’ or ‘Hello Ronan, my treasured roommate’ first?” Ronan grinned up at Adam, clearly trying to get a rise out of his roommate. Adam jerked his leg out of Ronan’s grasp before shooting him a death glare.

“Nothing to say, Parrish?” Ronan closed his eyes again. Adam took a deep breath, trying not to explode at the boy on the floor. He moved to his desk phone salvaged from where it was thrown to the ground.

The night went on without incident; Adam changed his clothes, sat at his desk, opened a book. Ronan took a shower, certainly getting ready for a quintessential drug-fueled Thursday night. Adam tried to focus on his work, and even succeeded a few times, before Ronan’s voice rang through the room.

“By the way, thanks for ratting on me to Gansey, you fucking dick.” Adam quickly turned around, seeing Ronan in only a towel digging through his closet.

“Put some clothes on, Jesus.” Ronan didn’t even flinch.

“Nothing to say for yourself? Listen, Parrish — how I spend my free time is _none_ of your business. And I don’t appreciate you making it others’ business either.

“Ronan, I don’t care enough about you to fucking rat you out to Gansey. I was complaining to him about your drunken entrance last night — which, by the way, on a fucking Wednesday? Maybe Gansey has a right to be concerned.”

Ronan had his back to Adam, but he could see the tension in his roommate’s shoulders. Ronan pulled a shirt on before turning to face Adam. 

“Go fuck yourself and stay out of my business,” Ronan said before unceremoniously slamming the door. Adam expected he wouldn’t see him again for a few nights until he crawled back into the dorm, strung out on God-knows-what and crabbier than ever the next morning.

Adam wasn’t wrong.

—

“Remind me again how you put up with that dickhead,” Adam said to Gansey on their way to production night; it was Thursday, which meant that _The Daily,_ student newspaper of St. Jude College, was going to print the next morning. Adam found himself distracted from his new feature piece on student life, thanks to yet another explosive argument with his roommate.

“I care about him, Adam. He has been in my life since we were 14, you know that. There’s more to him than meets the eye.”

“But you’re so different. I mean, every time you two have a conversation it’s like my mind can’t process it. And I know he’s your friend and I’m not trying to shit on your friend because I know that’s rude but I just can’t stand him,” Adam lowered his voice as they entered the elevator, “When was the last time you saw him do homework, Gansey? Or even open a textbook for God’s sake. How has he not failed out? All I see him do is drink, ‘meditate’ on our fucking floor, and argue with me.”

Gansey gave him a look a parent might give a toddler throwing a tantrum before opening the door to their small workspace; production heads and editors already crowded the small office. Adam always loved working on the paper with Gansey; from meeting each other as news assistants to spending countless long nights sending the last stories to print, the paper is what truly linked Gansey and Adam. And now, two months into his year-long living arrangements with a certain Ronan Lynch, the paper provided Adam an excuse to stay out of his dorm for as long as possible each night.

Gansey crossed the threshold, immediately greeted with a peck on the cheek and genuine smile from Blue, the Editor-in-Chief. Adam had always loved Blue; she was so goddamn smart, and _real_ — she was like Adam, a scholarship student who worked part-time to put herself through school. Despite not being the closest of friends, Adam and Blue were certainly allies. And Gansey had just adored her since the day they started dating, which made Adam like her even more. No one better fit to run _The Daily_ , Adam thought.

Adam’s anger towards Ronan melted away as he opened his laptop and began addressing the edits on his new feature, mind drifting far, far away.

—

The November wind hit Adam’s face and he welcomed it as he exited the lecture hall — 2pm. He was done with class for the day — thank God. He had high hopes for the rest of the afternoon. Grab lunch, maybe get some reading done, head down to Lou’s Coffee to do his closing shift. This would be a good day for him, Adam thought.

He began his trek from class to the dining hall, hands dry and itchy from the Northeastern chill, gloves long forgotten at the bottom of a drawer. Gansey often tried to lend him a pair of his cashmere gloves — _Parrish, I have too many. Just take a pair, I can’t stand to look at your hands, mine hurt just being near you_ — but he always declined. He has his own, he promises Gansey, it’s just a matter of forgetfulness. And it really was. He grew up in the South — a fact he can never forget, his drawling accent serving as a constant reminder — where winter clothes weren’t even sold in stores. Gansey seemed to own ungodly amounts of warm accessories: scarves, gloves, boots, all of the highest quality as per his trust-fund family tradition. Adam didn’t mind, truly, but sometimes he looked at Gansey and wanted to rip his hair out and tell him that a $10 scarf and a $300 scarf did the exact same thing.

As Adam turned the corner to enter the dining hall, his phone rang.

Pulling his stiff hands out of his coat, he fumbled for the phone. Gansey’s name was printed on the screen. _Doesn’t he normally have class on Tuesday afternoons?_

Adam answered.

“Parrish, thank God.” Gansey’s normally calm, charismatic tone was completely absent. What Adam heard on the other end of the line sounded so foreign, as if Gansey’s body had been taken over by an unknown being.

“I need you to come to your room right now. I know you have work soon but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency.” Adam heard banging on the other end — was Gansey knocking on his door? “Please, fuck, I need you to let me into your room. It’s Ronan. Please.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please enjoy x

_“I need you to come to your room right now. I know you’re not in class and I know you have work soon but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency.” Adam heard banging on the other end — was Gansey knocking on his door? “Please, fuck, I need you to let me into your room. It’s Ronan. Please.”_

Adam dropped into a dead sprint. 

Gansey’s voice had struck a nerve with Adam. He had only known Gansey for a little over a year now, but he was nothing if not predictable. Even on their most stressful nights, amid midterms and breaking news stories, Gansey was always the posterboy of being calm under pressure. 

Adam almost ran straight past his dorm building in his panic. He fumbled for his student ID — _am I always this unorganized?_ — before swiping into the building and heading straight for the stairs. The goddamn elevator was never reliable in this building. As he reached the fifth floor, he pulled his bag off his back, rummaging for his key. Of course this school was so old that students still had keys — losing them was always a nightmare. He could hear Gansey’s knocking all the way from the stairs. He threw open the door, ran past the elevators. Fuck, he was so out of breath. He sees Gansey before he sees him. 

“Gansey — what’s going on?” Adam ran up to his door as Gansey backed away, a wild look in his eye. 

“Parrish, I’ll explain later I promise but open the door.”

Adam practically slammed his key into the lock, turning the knob as he twisted the key. Gansey threw himself into the room before Adam could even remove his key from the handle. Yet, it was empty. Ronan’s side of the room looked as it always did — clothes _everywhere_ , empty beer cans littered everywhere but the garbage can. Gansey nearly tripped over Ronan’s discarded backpack, full of books he undoubtedly hadn’t touched since the beginning of the term. Gansey looked around the room wildly, throwing open the closet and looking under their beds, as if Ronan were playing some sick game of hide and seek.

“Gansey,” Adam tried to interrupt his friend’s frenzy, “What the hell is going on? Listen — I can’t help if you don’t tell me what's going on.” It was disturbing to see Gansey in such a state, to say the least.

“Parrish, it’s — it’s a long story. But I need you to tell me the last time you saw Ronan.”

“Yesterday afternoon, I think.”

“You think, or you know, Parrish?” Gansey looked more serious than Adam had ever seen him.

“I — I know, Gansey. It was yesterday. Listen, is this about his drinking? Because he seemed sober and I know you worry —” Adam was cut off by a sharp laugh from Gansey.

“No, no — I just need to find him. You know I hate how much he drinks but he’s — I just need to know where he is.”

“Have you tried calling him?” Adam asked, but immediately felt stupid when he and Gansey simultaneously spotted Ronan’s phone lying square on his pillow. Adam looked at his watch — 2:30. He had to be at work at 3. Maybe he could call in sick? 

“Of course he left his phone,” Gansey seemed resigned to Ronan’s disappearance, as if he were used to this. “Declan — his brother, sorry — they got in this huge fight and it’s a long story.”

Adam stared at Gansey, unsure what to say. In all honesty, he had never even considered what Ronan’s life outside this dorm room looked like. Of course he had a family — Adam began to think how nightmarish a room full of Lynches would be. They’d eat Adam alive, he thought.

“What did they get in a fight about?” Adam asked Gansey against his better judgement — but the idea of there being another Lynch kid out in the world seemed improbable, and he wanted to know more.

But Gansey just shook his head and sat down on Ronan’s bed. “Never mind, Adam, really. I’m sure it’s fine. Thanks for letting me in. You have work today, right?” Adam nodded. “Yes, of course. You should head over there.” Gansey let out a heavy breath. “Can I just ask one more favor?”

“Anything.” 

“Can I stay here, for a while? Look through his phone, maybe see if I can piece together where he is?”

“Yeah, shit, of course. Whatever you need.” Gansey smiled in thanks. 

Adam wasn’t sure how it happened, but before he could say anything else, Adam found himself being gently shoved out of his own dorm room by Richard Gansey.

—

Lou’s was always slow on Tuesday evenings. Besides the occasional student ordering a triple espresso for an all-nighter, Adam spent most of his shift biting his nails and thinking about how he left his backpack in the room after he left in such a rush. 

“Hey, Adam. I didn’t know you were working today.” Adam looked up and was met with a genuine smile from Blue. It was strange to see her here without Gansey — the two adored Lou’s. 

“Blue, hey — the usual?” She nodded, sliding Adam a five-dollar bill from her wallet. “Have you uh — have you heard from Gansey today?”

Blue gave Adam a blank look. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been keeping an eye on him. Don’t worry too much about him — I tried to calm him down, Ronan always turns up eventually and he knows that. He just cares so much about everything, you know that. He’ll be okay. And Ronan will be too. As much as I love Gansey, he has a bit of a flair for the dramatic, as I’m sure you know.” Blue let out a laugh, as if she were sharing a private joke with herself.

“That’s good to hear, Blue. Thanks.” Adam felt like there was something he wasn’t being told. He handed Blue her drink anyway. “I’ll see you at _The Daily_ tomorrow?” 

“For sure.” Blue headed for the exit and reached for the door, but not before she turned around to face Adam. “Hey, Adam? Go easy on Ronan, yeah? He’s a lot but he’s — there’s some good in there. A lot of good.”

Adam watched her leave. If there was any good in Ronan Lynch, Adam had yet to see any of it. 

—

“I’m going to fucking kill him, Gansey.” Ronan’s unmistakable voice, sharp and loud as ever, was clear through the door to their shared dorm. Adam stood frozen outside the door, key gripped tightly in his hand. He had avoided the room as much as possible that day, in case Gansey was still in there, but apparently even 11pm was too early.

“Ronan,” Gansey’s voice was level, unwavering, “I know this is upsetting for you. And I completely understand why it would be. But this can be easily resolved if you just talk to him.”

“Talk — talk to him? You think I should just sit down for coffee with Declan, exchange a few words and pleasantries and this will all be fixed? Do you really think that’d fucking work? Are you stupid?” 

Gansey didn’t miss a beat. “Ronan, I know you’re angry. I am too. I’m on your side, which I hope is apparent considering what has happened over the last two days. Please, let me help you.”

“Fuck off — we’re not kids anymore. I’m not talking to Declan. I don’t give a shit what he does with me at this point. And if you cared about me, you wouldn’t have made such a goddamn scene, and you _certainly_ wouldn’t have told Declan about my personal fucking business.” 

Adam was so engrossed in the argument that he didn’t notice his roommate’s voice getting closer to the door. And he certainly didn’t notice the handle turning until he was face to face with a fuming Ronan Lynch.

_“Parrish?”_ Ronan said his name as if it were venomous, spitting it out with abhorrent distaste. “Are you actually fucking kidding me right now? Were you _listening?_ ” Adam made eye contact with Gansey from over Ronan’s shoulder. “Listen to me you fucking vermin,” Ronan began backing Adam into the narrow hallway. “If you ever spy on me like that again, I will make your life a living hell like you wouldn’t believe, I can promise you that.” 

“ _Ronan._ Back off.” Gansey’s voice was commanding, yet Adam barely heard it over the blood rushing in his ears. Ronan was inches away from his face, boxing the boy between him and the wall. He could smell his shampoo — and when Ronan opened his mouth, he noticed straight, perfectly white teeth. He’d never seen Ronan’s teeth before, he thought. They were so close that nothing could go unnoticed. Suddenly, Adam felt self conscious. 

“Don’t let it happen again,” Ronan said, giving Gansey one last hard stare before turning his back and walking towards the elevators. Adam thought his knees might give out. What the fuck just happened?

“Adam,” Gansey’s eyes met his, full of concern. “I’d like to sincerely apologize for that. You didn’t deserve that, at all. Please, don’t take Ronan too seriously. He’d never actually hurt anyone.” But Adam wasn’t worried about the threat, or the fact that he just managed to piss off his roommate even _more_ than usual. He couldn’t shake the feeling of being that close to Ronan Lynch — they had never even so much as shook hands before. His face was so different up close; the sharp lines were defined, his features so clear. He noticed skin blemishes, freckles, faded scars undoubtedly from childhood accidents. Adam felt as if his entire facial structure had changed. And his eyes, they were filled with this wild energy, some mix of anger and fear.

“Adam — are you okay?” Gansey prompted him when he didn’t respond.

“Shit — yeah, no, I’m good. I just wasn't expecting that. I didn’t mean to listen, really, I had just gotten to the door and heard yelling.” 

Gansey let out something that sounded like a laugh. “You have the right to come into your own room. It’s my fault for starting that discussion with him where and when I did — I should know better by now. Seriously, don’t worry about it. Plus, I’m sure you won’t see him again for a few days.”

Adam just nodded before walking into the room, shutting the door behind him.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> installment III — xx

Wednesdays are Adam Parrish’s least favorite day of the week; he had three classes and a long night at  _ The Daily _ . And to top it off, he woke up with a blinding headache, which was not an uncommon occurrence. Rolling over, Ronan’s side of the room looked exactly the same as it did when Adam went to bed — he noticed his phone was left behind, yet again. He hadn’t come back since his argument with Gansey. Adam found himself filled with relief; he didn’t want to be in the same building as Ronan right now, let alone within the same ten square feet. 

Nine was too early, Adam thought, to be concerned with Ronan Lynch. So his mind turned to the day ahead of him as he turned the rusty faucet in a shower shared between 30 boys on the floor. Adam thought of Gansey and Blue, undoubtedly at Lou’s for their standing Wednesday morning coffee. He remembered the first time he met Gansey, an intimidating sophomore standing in front of twenty-something freshmen interested in joining  _ The Daily _ . Adam wasn’t even particularly interested in journalism — his high school barely had enough classrooms, let alone a student newspaper — but he was dead-set on improving his writing skills, sights already set on law school. 

When Gansey took him under his wing after he joined the news section, Adam knew he wanted to stay at the paper. Gansey was already well-established: groups of friends, a girlfriend — Blue, it was always Blue — and _Ronan Lynch_. He was from the same prestigious boarding school Gansey attended, though you wouldn’t have been able to guess it by looking at him. He never wore tweed (a signature of Gansey’s), he never took off his worn-out leather bracelets that decorated his arm. He didn’t wear boat shoes. He didn’t smile to passerbys, or shake hands with professors on the first day of class. 

Adam always wondered what drew the pair together. Even a year into their friendship, Gansey rarely talked about their history. As he turned off the water and returned to the room, preparing himself to face the day, Adam wondered if he’d ever fully understand the friendship Gansey and Ronan have. 

—

“Come on, Parrish. It would mean a lot to me, and Mother loves showing off her cooking to new house guests.” Gansey had a bright smile on his face as he tried to convince Adam to join his family in the Virginia countryside for Thanksgiving break. 

Adam wasn’t sure how he got himself into this situation, really. One moment, he and Gansey were sitting on an old couch in  _ The Daily’s _ office, waiting for their copy editor to finish a read. The next, Adam was facing rapid-fire questions about his holiday plans before being presented with an invitation that created knots in his stomach. 

_ Have any fun plans for Thanksgiving, Parrish? Right, you usually stay on campus for holidays, that was a dumb question. God, you must be bored out of your mind, this campus feels like a ghost town even when classes are in session — listen, come spend the week with me and my family. Seriously, we have this great country house and plenty of room. No, I insist. It’s no burden at all. My parents love having guests. And it’s Thanksgiving, isn’t it? The season of sharing. _

Adam wanted to drop dead right then and there. He didn’t hate Gansey’s wealth, really. He long ago accepted that he would spend his four years at St. Jude’s surrounded by those who had  _ more _ . But that meant Adam was the odd one out, and Gansey offering a trip to him felt more alienating. It was kind and it was generous but it made Adam sick; he couldn’t stand charity, especially not from his best friend. 

“Gansey don’t worry about it, I’m actually looking forward to having some alone time for a few days.” Adam was desperate to change the subject. He didn’t have the money to get to and from Virginia, and the thought of his parents housing  _ and  _ feeding him for nearly a week was sickening. And the thing was, Adam knew that was his pride talking. Adam  _ knew  _ that Gansey was trying to be kind. But this was too much.

Adam had met Gansey’s parents before, at family weekends; they were handbags and pearl necklaces and brand new shoes and luxury rental cars and fancy watches that probably cost more than his own yearly earnings. They were everyone at this university that Adam desperately tried to avoid, and they were everything Adam wasn’t. When they asked where his parents were for family weekend, he found himself making up a lie about how they were caught up at work (which Gansey later asked him about, only to learn Adam hadn’t spoken to his parents since freshman move-in). Certainly, Gansey was an exception. Light-hearted Gansey, kind Gansey, Gansey who laughed loud and hard with Adam, passionate Gansey who talked for hours about readings for his classes and interesting stories he pitched for  _ The Daily _ . Gansey, who did not pity him (or, if he did, he hid it well). 

But fuck, it would be nice to eat a few home cooked meals for the first time in a while. Adam was planning on spending the break with a box of Cup Noodles and a couple of books.

“Adam, are you listening to me?” No, he certainly wasn’t.

“Sorry, yeah, Gansey listen I just —”

Gansey quickly cut him off. “Look, I’m going to be straight with you. Being around my parents is suffocating, to say the least. I love them, but seeing them is more work than vacation. And having someone at the Thanksgiving table who doesn’t make me want to rip my hair out really sounds like a lifesaver.” 

Adam gave him a long, hard look.

“Adam, you’d be doing me a huge favor. Please? Is it so hard to spend time with your friend over a break?”

“Listen, I really would if I could. But I don’t have any money right now and even if I did — ”

Gansey interrupted him yet again. “Hypothetically, would you come if it was, say, at no expense to you?”   
  


Adam didn’t answer, unsure of where Gansey was going with this. His lack of response did not stop Gansey from continuing on.

“Because we’re just driving, and my parents will pay for gas. I actually told my parents you were coming when Blue mentioned to me you were disappointed to find out you couldn’t work over break since Lou’s will be closed. And before you say a single word, Adam Parrish, I’ll have you know my parents are quite excited, so you can’t disappoint them. And I promise you that you do not owe them anything either — they won’t notice a difference in the bank account. We’re leaving Tuesday afternoon, after my last class. We’ll figure out specifics this weekend. And think of it this way, you’re doing me a huge favor. Seriously.”

As Gansey clapped the younger boy on the back and left to check on the copy editor, Adam found himself speechless.

—

When Adam walked back to his dorm that night, he found the door slightly ajar. He could feel his headache from that morning returning, and the last thing he wanted was to see Ronan. Part of Adam hoped the open door was a result of a robbery, or some psychopath ready to murder him, rather than his roommate.

But Adam’s hopes were dashed as he entered the room. Ronan Lynch was lying perfectly still on his bed, headphones blaring unreasonably loud as usual. But the boy wasn’t sleeping — no, his eyes were wide open, staring up at the ceiling.  _ Fuck me _ , Adam thought, closing the door softly in an attempt to keep Ronan’s gaze off him for a little longer. He walked a few paces to his desk, placing his bag down on the chair and shrugging off his worn-out jacket before pulling his phone out. 

“I thought the paper went later on Wednesdays.” Ronan’s voice startled Adam; he should’ve noticed the music being shut off, but it was too late. When Adam looked up, Ronan was in the same position he found him in, minus the headphones that now lay discarded next to him. 

“I finished early.” Adam’s voice was tight, his tone curt. He had so much reading to do tonight, fuck.

“Maybe Blue needs to go harder on you all.” Ronan’s tone was even. 

Adam ignored him after that, and Ronan did the same. His mind drifted as he opened his textbook. Adam never quite understood where he went wrong with Ronan. Gansey introduced them sometime in their first month on campus last year. It was a brief exchange; Ronan had stopped by  _ The Daily _ to give something to Gansey. Adam remembers their conversation seeming effortless. Ronan seemed, in that moment, to have known Gansey his whole life. He was brash, his face gaunt and sharp, eyes alert and piercing. But when Ronan sat down next to Gansey, Adam watched his entire essence relax. His edges softened, he wasn’t glaring at the room like a hero facing his final enemy. Adam used to be intrigued by him.

Until he began seeing Ronan more often.

It started with a few off-hand comments from Gansey:  _ Has anyone heard from Ronan lately? He’s usually back from class by now. It’s a Thursday night though. A party, maybe. Well, if you see him, I’d really appreciate it if you told him I’m looking for him _ . It was Gansey’s body language after he finished a short phone call with Ronan. It was Gansey and Blue leaving  _ The Daily _ with little-to-no explanation coming back with somber looks and whispering shared secrets of a boy with sharp edges, of a boy who was explosive, a boy named Lynch with an all-consuming energy.

And Adam grew to be weary of the boy. He would see him at the occasional party — that Adam’s freshman roommate almost always dragged him to — hanging with circles of people who seemed larger than life and would never spare Adam a second glance. They sought adrenaline-highs, they bought everything in their line of sight and had never even considered the consequences. People that screamed  _ bad news, stay fucking far away and run and don’t look back _ , yet Ronan fit in so seamlessly, the same way he did with Gansey. And he knew Gansey didn’t like them; he shot them hard glances in the street and often changed the subject when Ronan brought them up. But Ronan fit in  _ so well _ that Adam didn’t think even Gansey could pull him away. 

He didn’t _hate_ Ronan — at least, not the way Ronan seemed to hate him. Certainly, he and Ronan were never meant to be best friends. They were never going to get along, and Adam knew that from the moment they were assigned to be roommates their sophomore year. But Adam never would’ve expected _this_. And god, he was sick of it. He was so sick of his roommate, he was so sick of Ronan making Gansey panic, he was so sick of not even having a peaceful place to sleep. He came to college to escape this vicious cycle of staying out as late as possible, waking as early as he could manage just to avoid the people he lived with. 

Adam flipped the pages of his textbook with weary eyes and a foggy mind. 

—

When Adam returned from class on Tuesday afternoon, he found himself in a surprisingly hopeful mood. He was meeting Gansey in 2 hours, just enough time to pack and sort out his room before leaving for the weekend. Adam found an old duffel bag in his closet, worn out and unused since he moved into the room. He collected his nicest clothes, along with a few books for the classes that assigned work over the break. Gansey assured him his family would love to have him, no matter what —  _ Adam, seriously, they’re old fashioned and uptight, sure, but they love my friends and they’re really going to love you. _

In all honesty, Adam was excited. He desperately needed a break from school, and physical distance would certainly do the trick. 

As Adam approached the front gates of campus, their designated meeting place, he spotted Blue first.

“Hey, Blue.” Adam gave her a smile and a brief hug. She looked her usual self, albeit a little more dressed up than usual. For Blue, that meant a homemade dress made of a gorgeous green fabric, and earrings that she certainly bought from the nearby flea market. Adam remembers overhearing Gansey tell her she should start selling her clothes — you really couldn’t tell they were made by hand, unless Blue purposefully tailored them to seem as such — but she immediately refused. She liked it too much, found it too peaceful, to turn it into a business. 

Gansey finally approached, suitcase in tow. He smiled wide at the both of them. “Hey, you two.” Gansey stopped next to them and looked around for a minute, before pulling out his phone. “You haven’t been waiting long, have you?” Adam and Blue shook their heads. “Good,” Gansey seemed genuinely pleased, “hopefully it won’t be much longer. Just one more.”

“One more?” Adam looked at Gansey, who refused to make eye contact with him. Gansey looked past him, and the boy almost looked guilty. Adam turned his gaze to Blue — she seemed confused, but for a different reason.

“Yeah, I — I mean, one more, he always comes with,” Blue said, realization seeping into her voice as she spoke. “But you wouldn’t know that, because you’ve never come with us before — Gansey, really?” Blue turned her full attention to her boyfriend, looking at him incredulously. “Did you not say anything?”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn’t tell either of them, so there are no favorites here.” Gansey still wouldn’t look at Adam. 

Before Adam could ask anymore questions, he heard a voice from behind him. 

“Are you serious right now, Gansey?”

Ronan Lynch stood before the group clutching a backpack and car keys. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, but i found chapter 4 to be the longest so far. please let me know what you think — i am very much hoping you all enjoy this chapter xx

Ronan Lynch wasn’t always angry. Truly, he wasn’t. He just happened to be angry most of the time, particularly when he was around other people. Gansey knew this, and Ronan was fairly certain Gansey could read his mind, at times. That’s why he was deeply certain that Gansey could sense his pure fucking rage at this exact second. 

Ronan gripped the wheel of his BMW with whitened knuckles, staring hard at the road. Gansey sat next to him, while Blue and Adam had a hushed conversation in the backseat. The radio remained silent; Ronan loved to drive and listen to music, but this was not the time. And anyway, he was trying to prove a point to Gansey. Really, he wanted Gansey more than anything to regret lying to him. There was nothing Ronan hated more than lying. Of course, he was  _ pissed _ that Adam was coming along on this trip. But Ronan’s feelings about Adam couldn’t be helped, at this point, so he was fixating on the fact that his best friend had tricked him into this trip.

When they reached a rest stop, Adam threw himself out of the car as if he was going to be sick. Ronan smirked to himself. To Adam’s credit, he clearly felt the tension his presence had caused. Blue and Gansey exchanged a knowing glance — God, Ronan  _ hated  _ when they did that — before she followed Adam to the restrooms. Gansey stayed put. Of course he did.

“Ronan.” He didn’t look at Gansey. “I know you’re mad, I knew you would be. But he’s my friend and I think you two would really really get along if you  _ both _ made an effort. And I don’t want to pressure you and I know I shouldn’t have ambushed you — but give him a chance, yeah? And you love Thanksgiving. You always have. This is the perfect place for you two to get to know each other.” Ronan still didn’t respond. “And I know you need a distraction from Declan — at the very least, maybe you can hyperfocus your hatred on Adam this week, instead of your brother.” Gansey laughed a bit — Ronan thinks that was an attempt at a joke. 

Ronan just shook his head. He couldn’t think about Declan this week. And fuck, he owed Gansey a favor. He always seemed to owe Gansey a favor, and Ronan didn’t like being in debt. In fact, he hated it almost as much as lying. 

Adam and Blue returned to the car. Before their seatbelts were buckled, Ronan’s foot was on the gas pedal. As they merged back onto the highway, Gansey reached for the radio, and Ronan didn’t stop him this time. For a moment, Ronan felt like he always did on these Thanksgiving trips: at ease. They began the tradition Ganesy’s sophomore year of high school, when Ronan was just a freshman at Aglionby Academy. The invitation was something of a charity act, really. It was Ronan’s first Thanksgiving without his Dad. 

He and Gansey would make the drive last  _ much  _ longer than it needed to, back when they were teenagers. They would blare music through the speakers of Ronan’s BMW or Gansey’s Camaro, depending on which car they took that year. They would take backroads, stop at diners, drive through streets in cities they couldn’t name. Gansey was often avoiding his parents with their prodding questions and judgemental smiles and old perfume, while Ronan was just happy to be along for the ride. The best years, Ronan remembers, were the ones where it was  _ just  _ warm enough to have the windows down. 

The years haven’t necessarily gotten  _ worse _ . Ronan found himself pleasantly surprised to enjoy Blue’s company on the last two trips; they bickered sometimes, but more like siblings than anything. Truthfully, Ronan finds Blue to be Gansey’s only friend that he liked. Ronan glanced at Blue through the rearview mirror, who was putting the finishing touches on her annual thank-you-gift for Gansey’s parents: a hand-crocheted item of some sort, perhaps a sweater or hat or pair of socks? Ronan couldn’t tell. But he was a little excited to see; Blue had a way of crafting things that genuinely impressed Ronan. He would never tell her that, though. His eyes drifted, and he saw Adam next to her, head leaning against the window, eyes closed. Asleep, probably. Had they really been driving that long?

The next moment, Ronan hit a pothole head-on. All at once, Blue let out a string of annoyances for disturbing her  _ art _ , Adam roused suddenly, and Gansey shot him a glare. Ronan knew that Gansey thought he did it on purpose. The truth is, he didn’t. 

He could’ve avoided it, really, if he hadn’t been so fixated on Adam in his back seat. 

— 

Adam did his best to remain unremarkable during the drive. What should have been a peaceful getaway had quickly turned nightmarish. And fuck, he was  _ mad _ . Not at Gansey, or even Ronan (which was a first), but at himself for accepting this invitation in the first place. He had a bad gut feeling about it, when Gansey first asked him, and Adam knew he should’ve listened to himself. But now, he was stuck. Fuck. Adam’s face felt hot and his hands fidgeted and he found even conversations with Blue to be difficult. He rested his head on the cool window, closing his eyes and trying to find some semblance of peace about this situation. He wanted nothing more than to be back in his dorm room away from this disaster, to read a book or catch up on studying.

Adam had no idea how to navigate this. Would it be worth it to try and talk with Ronan, explain that he had nothing to do with this? No, fuck, that would make it worse.

Adam looked at Blue and watched her hands expertly work. He smiled a bit, because she had waited until, quite truly, the last minute to complete her project. How very Blue of her, Adam thought. Despite her chronic procrastination, everything Blue did ended up being brilliant. Her process seemed insane, at times, but she so effortlessly produced perfection. And Adam felt that’s probably why her and Gansey clicked so well. They both craved a project. Together, they could do anything.

Adam was ripped from his thoughts when the car came to a stop. After five painfully awkward hours trapped in that vehicle, Adam let out a sigh of relief when he exited Ronan’s car. Gripping his bag tightly, he followed behind the rest of the group as they approached the porch, where Mrs. Gansey stood waiting. Gansey’s mother greeted everyone with a kiss on the cheek and a few words of welcome. 

“Adam, we’re so thrilled you could join us this year,” she said, reaching him last before ushering everyone into the house. It was beautiful. But it was also  _ exactly _ what Adam expected. The entranceway was a grand foyer, with the living room just beyond, complete with an arched ceiling and impressive windows. Everything was pristine, staged. Mrs. Gansey insisted on giving Adam a tour while everyone else wandered off to the kitchen. He reluctantly followed, feeling uneasy while alone with her. She was nice enough, albeit a little stuffy. She walked just like Gansey, with great intent, despite the menial task she had taken on. Adam stared at the artworks they had lining the upstairs hallways —  _ originals _ , Mrs. Gansey said when she noticed him looking,  _ but not our favorites, as we keep the best of our collection back in D.C.  _ — and found himself peering into bedrooms with doors ajar and bathrooms that were larger than his dorm room. 

“And this will be your room,” Mrs. Gansey gestured to a room near the end of the long hallway, inviting Adam to take a look. The bed caught his eye first — large, with soft-looking sheets and an abundance of pillows, sitting just below a window with matching curtains. There were two closed doors, on either side of the room. A closet and a bathroom, Adam presumed. He set his bag down, which he had been awkwardly carrying throughout the tour.

“Well, you’d better go join your friends downstairs. Oh, and let Ronan know you two will be sharing. What with you and Richard’s grandfather making the trip this year, along with the usual cousins, we’re a little short on space.” Adam wondered how this was possible. “But I’m sure you two will be just fine together, right? Richard tells me you two are roommates up at St. Jude’s.”

No, it was most certainly not  _ fine _ , but of course Adam wasn’t going to say this. “That sounds perfect, Mrs. Gansey, thank you so much.” 

When they both turned to leave the room, they saw Ronan holding his bags in the doorway. “Ronan! Perfect — I know this is your favorite room to stay in, and since we’re a little tight on space this year, Adam will get to enjoy it too,” Mrs. Gansey said, giving Ronan a smile and a squeeze on the arm before leaving the two alone.

Immediately, Ronan seemed to tense up. They regarded each other for a moment before Ronan set his bags (well, threw them) on the bed. “I’ll take the bed tonight. You can have it tomorrow night,” Ronan said, his tone leaving no room for debate.

Just three more days. 

—

When Adam woke up in the bed on Thanksgiving morning, he was met with an empty room. Ronan couldn’t have slept well on the hard floor, though Adam thought he might’ve found somewhere else in the house to sleep. He knew this place much better than Adam did. Wednesday, their first full day, had been unremarkable, full of polite introductions and formal meals that made everyone — even Gansey — a little uncomfortable.

After a hot shower (most of which he spent navigating the various soaps and shampoos in the bathroom), Adam ventured downstairs. To his surprise, he found only Mrs. Gansey and Blue in the kitchen, drinking coffee at the island. They were pouring over a cookbook, speaking softly to one another. Mrs. Gansey undoubtedly enlisted Blue to help prepare the Thanksgiving feast — she had a knack for baking in particular. The kitchen around them was beautiful, and it smelled even better. Mrs. Gansey had already gotten to work on the evening meal, dishes lining the counters. Various recipes involving potatoes, cranberries, green beans. And she didn’t seem anywhere near finished. 

Adam all at once realized he had never had a real Thanksgiving meal.

Blue looked up from her reading and smiled at Adam. Mrs. Gansey followed suit, looking surprised to see him. “Adam! How lovely of you to join us. Please, help yourself to anything. There’s a fresh pot of coffee by the sink.” She stood up and began fiddling with nothing in particular, checking the dish that was in the oven and washing miscellaneous fruits and vegetables.

“Where is everyone else?” Adam asked Blue.

“They’re all over,” Blue smiled at him, “I know Gansey and Ronan are in the backyard helping his Dad with something, and Helen is off tidying in time for the cousins to all get here. Ronan is pretty excited, y’know. The kids just love him, and I think he really enjoys the time with them.” But Adam wasn’t really listening, after he realized everyone else appeared to have awoken long before he did.   
  


“Am I the last to wake up?” Adam was suddenly self conscious about his sudden appearance — was Mrs. Gansey upset he had slept in so late?

“Oh, really, not by much, and it’s not like we have anywhere to be.” Blue gave him a look. “Relax, Adam. If you don’t, I’ll have to tell Gansey you’re feeling uneasy, and I’m sure you don’t want that.” She winked at Adam before getting up to refill her coffee. Blue was right — Gansey would smother Adam for the rest of the trip, and as much as he loved his friend, everyone needed reprieve from Gansey sometimes. 

—

Blue wasn’t wrong about how well Ronan got along with kids. While Adam stuck close to Blue, Ronan could be spotted from the kitchen windows playing a game involving running and yelling and throwing balls back and forth. Ever since the extended family members arrived, Ronan had been keeping the various cousins occupied. Adam found his eyes a little too focused on the way Ronan was letting himself be tackled by a horde of kids who couldn’t be older than ten. No one else seemed to care as much though, and Adam supposed they were all used to Ronan’s love of the Gansey cousins. It was almost comical: Ronan, the definition of intimidating and harsh, was positively  _ adored _ by all the children. He performed magic tricks for them, which they just loved. When Lucy, the youngest of the cousins, told Ronan he had a phone call waiting on an imaginary telephone, he answered with utmost seriousness. And, when six year old Nick lost his favorite teddy bear, Ronan had torn the house apart looking for it. They listened to him, gave him enthusiastic high fives, and fought over who got to sit next to him at the Thanksgiving table.

Adam, feeling awkward around kids because he was always unsure of their ages and what children even liked to talk about nowadays, found the whole thing to be endearing. He never would’ve expected to see Ronan be so genuinely engaging, so  _ lighthearted _ . He seemed to be a child himself for those few hours. And Adam felt envious of his ability, because every member of the Gansey family seemed to love him for it, and because it seemed a lot more pleasant than being in an insufferably hot kitchen with Mrs. Gansey, who had been talking about the latest auction she attended for at least thirty minutes now. Adam wasn’t sure how he got himself into this situation; one moment, he was making polite chit-chat with Blue and Mrs. Gansey over coffee. The next, Mrs. Gansey was handing him a hand-mixer and a bowl containing some mixture of eggs and flour. Much to his dismay, Blue had long abandoned Adam, sitting with Gansey and his sister in the nearby living room. Although she was likely suffering a worse fate, listening to Gansey’s father complain about a staffer he recently fired and the infinitely boring day-to-day politics of Capitol Hill. Adam had, at the very least, gotten stuck with the more tolerable of Gansey’s parents. 

Adam, being lost in his thoughts, found himself quite startled when Mrs. Gansey suddenly threw open the window and called the kids to wash up for dinner. Suddenly, there was chaos in the kitchen. Kids were throwing their shoes off, along with hats and coats as Mrs. Gansey tried to usher the giggling children off to the bathroom. Ronan was the last to come in, a rare smile on his face as he shed his scarf and hat. Mrs. Gansey gave him a knowing smile, as if to say thank you for keeping the children out of her way, before asking Adam to help Ronan gather the kids’ things and put them aside in the foyer. 

It wasn’t as awkward as Adam expected; Ronan led him to the foyer, where they tried to match coats and boots so the many parents weren’t scrambling to find their kids’ winter clothes in the morning. It was as they made the last trip from the kitchen, hands full, that Adam decided to break their silence.

“I didn’t know you were so good with kids.”

Ronan looked up at Adam, a surprisingly pleasant look on his face. He laughed, as if sharing a private joke with himself, before turning to Adam. “I think you’ll find I’m full of surprises, Parrish.” Ronan turned around, looking at Adam. It made him feel quite uncomfortable; the last time they were this focused on one another, Ronan Lynch was threatening him outside their dorm room. But now, the air between them was much lighter. 

And maybe it was because Adam had spent all day in a daze, trying to tune out Mrs. Gansey while attempting to cut various vegetables he couldn’t even name, or maybe it was because he could feel a headache coming on and didn’t feel completely in his right mind at that moment, but Adam smiled at Ronan. A toothy smile, paired with a small laugh and crinkled eyes. Adam had given him a genuine smile, one that he did not fabricate or conjure; it wasn’t a smile he would give Mr. Gansey or a kindly professor. And he wasn’t sure where it came from either, but he knew it was real.

Ronan, without a moment’s hesitation and without restraint, let the corners of his mouth turn upwards, his eyes softening when they met Adam’s.

Adam shared that smile with Ronan for just a moment, before they both turned away and began walking towards the kitchen. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway comment if you're team edward or team jacob. this has no bearing on the story i'm just curious about my demographic. thanks.

Thanksgiving dinner was a nightmare for Adam, to say the least. He was seated between one of Gansey’s many uncles and an  _ ancient  _ grandparent, both of whom could never quite remember his name ( _ Aaron, could you pass the peas? _ ) and were incapable of chewing with their mouths closed. However, what was making this dinner completely  _ insufferable _ was the searing pain in his head. For years now, Adam suffered from migraines that put him completely out of commission. Since attending St. Jude’s, his headaches had become more and more infrequent, but they tended to set in at the most inconvenient times. But Adam would rather die than interrupt the meal to ask for Advil and a chance to go lie down — some impression that would make on the Ganseys. So he sat still, gripped his fork tightly and tried to fight off the waves of nausea. 

“Not a fan of asparagus, Parrish?” Adam was startled when he looked up to see that Ronan was speaking to him. Ronan was eyeing his plate, where a serving of vegetables sat untouched. He had forgotten his roommate was sitting right across from him. 

“No — I’m just full, it’s a big dinner.” Adam said through grit teeth. Ronan happened to pick the worst possible time to try and get a rise out of Adam, and he felt as though his head might explode right then and there. 

Oblivious to anything bothering him, Ronan seemed bored by Adam’s answer. His roommate just stared for a few moments, as if trying to decide what to say next. 

“Blue felt bad about leaving you alone with Mrs. Gansey. You should tell her it went okay — in Blue’s defense, she couldn’t escape the famous Mr. Congressman.”

Adam just nodded at Ronan, once again returning his gaze to his plate. If Adam had tried to form a sentence, he would’ve been at risk of passing out.

Much to his relief, Ronan seemed to take this as a sign that Adam was not a promising conversationalist. “Don’t forget, you’re on the floor tonight,” Ronan said, but his voice lacked its usual rough, malice quality that he typically assumed when talking to Adam. It almost felt casual, friendly, like someone reminding him to bring an umbrella outside on a rainy day. 

With that remark, Ronan turned to Helen and began talking to her about a new movie they had both enjoyed. Reprieve from conversation was much appreciated, so Adam could focus all his energy on forcing himself to not retreat into the darkest, quietest room in the house. But Adam’s relief didn’t last long. People were beginning to stand up as the meal came to an end, and as they gathered dishes the only thing Adam could hear was the scrape of silverware on ceramic and the loud clash of plates being stacked. Each new noise seemed to drill into his skull, each  _ clink  _ embedding itself deep into his brain. Had they already been at dinner that long? Adam looked at his watch — they had sat down nearly two hours ago, and all he had done was listen to a few toasts and exchange passing words with Ronan.

Adam decided he needed to stand up too, but immediately regretted it. His head swam, and his vision went fuzzy at the edges. He gripped the edge of the table for support, unsure if he would still be upright when he let go.

“Adam!” Gansey’s voice came over his shoulder. Fuck, he hadn’t seen Gansey all day, and this wasn’t the time. “Are you okay?” Adam met his eyes, and he looked genuinely worried. Did Adam look that bad?

“Yeah, Gansey. I just stood up too quick, that’s all. Probably need to drink more water or something.” Adam flashed a smile before stacking his plates. He heard faint protests from Mrs. Gansey, telling everyone to  _ please leave the dishes, I can take care of them later,  _ and many guests milled towards the living room for post-meal games, while a few others stayed behind to help. Blue was enthusiastically offering her services to Mrs. Gansey, already holding a stack of plates and a handful of wine glasses. God, Adam would give anything to go lie down. But, as Gansey stepped away with a disapproving look in his eye, Adam promised himself that if he could just help with the dishes and not cause any alarm, he could get some rest afterwards.

So, that’s what Adam did. They formed an assembly line, of sorts. Blue walked the dishes to the kitchen, Adam scraped off dried food, and Mrs. Gansey put them in the dishwasher, insisting that only she knew how to properly arrange the dishes in the machine. Gansey flitted about, covering dishes with tin foil and rationing the leftovers so they could hand them out to guests as they left the next day. Every time Gansey ripped a new piece of tin foil, Adam had to squeeze his eyes shut, and every time Mrs. Gansey shouted at him to not waste so much, Adam felt a sudden compulsion to cover his ears.

When they had finished and the dishwasher was finally running, Adam washed his hands and thanked Gansey’s mother again for dinner. She gave Adam a brief smile before whisking herself out of the room to go check on her husband and make sure everyone was situated in their rooms. 

Adam then found himself alone with Blue and Gansey, now struggling to find room in the already-full fridge for the remaining dishes. 

“Hey, guys, I think I might head to bed early.” Adam said, and Gansey quickly turned around to look at Adam. “Have a good night, get some rest — and tell your Mom thank you again for the meal. I’ll see you guys in the morning, yeah?” 

“Wait, sorry, hold on Adam, will you?” Gansey was looking around frantically for a place to set the stack of tupperwares he was precariously balancing, before Blue let out a heavy sigh and helped him manage the pile. They both shared a glance before she flashed a small smile at Adam and left the room, still carrying her wine glass from dinner. 

Gansey washed his hands before turning back to Adam. He looked exhausted, and Adam felt a little sorry for his friend. Gansey never overtly spoke ill of his family, at least not to Adam, but he didn’t seem to be particularly loving this family reunion. A lot of talk about his future, subtle remarks about how he goes to a small liberal arts college instead of doing pre-med at Harvard like his sister, patronizing comments from his stuffy grandparents and overbearing uncles. 

“What’s up with you Parrish?” Gansey asked with genuine concern. Adam wanted to go to bed so fucking bad.

“Oh, nothing, I think I just didn’t sleep well last night —” 

“Weird, because Ronan told me you seemed to sleep perfectly well considering it was your turn in the bed,” Gansey said, not breaking eye contact with Adam. First of all, Adam wanted to know why Ronan was discussing his sleeping habits with Gansey, or why Ronan even cared at all. Second, Adam felt outsmarted by the both of them, and that just irritated him more. “Are you uncomfortable here? Has someone said something weird to you? Because you really shouldn’t take  _ anything  _ that one of my relatives says personally. They’re all, well, eccentric and probably a bit drunk, to say the least, and even I —”

Adam shook his head and cut Ganesy off. “Oh no Gansey, really, everyones been just fine.” Every word Adam said caused his head to scream. If he had just left sooner, he’d be in bed right now. Fuck it. “I just have a really bad headache right now, they happen often enough and it should go away soon.” 

Gansey laughed, but not at Adam. “Why didn’t you just say something Parrish? Go lie down. You had me worried that my mother finally caused you to have a nervous breakdown after you spent all day in the kitchen with her. Seriously — Ronan won’t be upstairs for hours I’m sure. No one will mind that you’re gone, and on the off-chance they ask, I’ll cover for you, yeah?” Gansey smiled at him and gestured towards the door. Adam felt a weight lift off his shoulders. Finally, what he’d been waiting for.

“Thank you, Gansey. I’ll see you in the morning.”

—

After collapsing into bed, Adam woke up a few hours later to a darkened room, illuminated by only the bathroom light through the cracked door. He turned on the lamp to change into something more comfortable. Before he got up, though, he noticed a couple of pills, a glass of water, and a note on the bedside table.

_ IBUPROFEN + WATER + SLEEP WILL HELP.  _

It certainly wasn’t in Gansey’s handwriting. His penmanship had a charming cursive quality, loopy and large. No — this person had tighter, messier handwriting. Blue must’ve left it, Adam decided, and he found himself making a mental note to thank her in the morning. He changed his clothes and took the tablets before crawling back into bed, fully expecting Ronan to wake him up and make him move when he finally came upstairs. 

But, that never happened, and Adam slept undisturbed until morning.

—

Ronan quietly closed the door to the bedroom — so as not to wake Adam from his much needed rest — before meeting Gansey in the foyer. They were both eager to begin their annual Thanksgiving evening walk. Every year, they waited until everyone had fallen asleep before going on a walk around the property. It was huge, and while that meant they would only get a few hours of sleep that night, it was always worth it. The land was beautiful, especially at night. The stars shone brightly with so few people around, and the nearby lake seemed to glow when the moon was out. When he and Gansey closed the front door and began down their favorite path, Ronan felt at peace. 

At least, he felt that way until Gansey started talking, and Ronan could already tell he was going to hate this conversation. 

“How was your day? Sorry I was MIA for most of it — I’ve called my Dad like once since the year started and he can’t seem to spare any details when updating me on his political dealings.” Gansey kept his gaze forward, but Ronan turned to look at him as they walked. Gansey knew very well Ronan hated small talk; he had ulterior motives, and Ronan felt something unpleasant in his stomach as he braced himself for what was to come. 

“Fine — the kids are getting big, hard to keep track of them all,” Ronan said, trying to keep his tone casual.

They continued on in silence for a few minutes, but Ronan could tell Gansey was working up the courage to say something. It was a warmer evening than usual, and Ronan found himself unzipping his jacket to cool off. He heard brief rustles in the bushes as they walked past, and he smiled to himself as he noticed a rabbit darting across the path. The Gansey country home was known for its abundance of the small animals, much to the kids’ delight. The house was further in the distance now, and they could see the lake. It was still a ways off, but it was Ronan’s favorite part of their walk. He so rarely felt as calm as he did sitting on the dock of that lake with Gansey.

“You know, Declan texted me this morning,” Gansey said, and Ronan froze in his tracks. “He told me to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. He said he’d do it himself, but you haven’t answered any of his calls for some time now.” 

“Gansey, I swear to God if you tell me to call him because he’s my  _ brother  _ and  _ I owe it to him _ , I will get in my car right now and leave you here.” Ronan’s tone made him seem serious, but he suspected Gansey wouldn’t take his threat to heart. 

“Actually, Ronan, I don’t think you owe him anything. In fact, if this were any other fight between you two, I’d say block his number and cut him off for as long as you need to. But, this isn’t just a normal fight, Ronan.” Gansey lowered his voice, as if Declan might be eavesdropping from the bushes. “A little diplomacy could really help you right now.” 

  
He paused, as if expecting a response from Ronan. When he remained silent, Gansey continued on. 

“Tell me which is worse, Ronan: giving Declan a five minute phone call to appease him, or having him pull your tuition money like he has been threatening to for weeks now?” Gansey didn’t say any of this with malice, but he certainly sounded impatient. “Do you know how much it would fucking suck to have you leave St. Jude’s after we worked so hard to get you there? After we worked so hard so we could be at the same school again? You’re my best friend.” Ronan wanted to curl up and die. He usually loved listening to Gansey’s monologues, but he couldn’t stand it when they were about him. “I don’t want to lose you. And neither does Blue. And I’d like to think you don’t want to leave us, either.” Gansey paused, for a moment. “And I’m fairly certain we aren’t the only people you’d be… upset to say goodbye to.”

“What the  _ fuck _ are you implying?” Ronan felt his face get hot, and suddenly he wanted nothing more than to run away from this place. Maybe he would get in his car and leave, force Gansey to have his Mother drive him back to campus. 

“You know  _ exactly  _ what I’m getting at.” Gansey gave him a hard stare. “Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you.” 

“No, Gansey, I  _ don’t  _ know what you’re getting at, and I don’t think you do either. What the fuck is it to you, anyway? You don’t know everything about me.” Ronan knew that last part was a lie. They both knew. 

But, instead of immediately snapping back, Gansey just paused to take a deep breath in an effort to calm himself down. This infuriated Ronan even more; he wanted Gansey to feel just as frustrated as he did in this moment.

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know. In fact, I’d really prefer if you didn’t. It just makes me sad when you do this.” Ronan wasn’t sure what to say, so he just rolled his eyes before deciding to start walking again, unable to stand still for this conversation. Gansey sighed before following suit. “Listen, Ronan, I know how you are when you… when you feel a certain way about people. And it’s okay, you know, I mean I’ve never judged you before and I’m certainly not going to start now. But I do think you should deal with your romantic interests in a much more healthy way.” Ronan whirled around to face Gansey. He did not want to talk about  _ this _ , especially not with Gansey, of all people. 

“Don’t say that to me. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ronan felt like a child on the verge of a tantrum.

“Yes I do, Ronan! I  _ know _ that’s why you’re so fucking mean to him sometimes. You do this with everyone you have feelings for, and you know it. You don’t know what to do with yourself, so you channel all your feelings into anger and you make these people think you hate them.” 

“What do you want me to say, Gansey?”

“I want you to say that you are attracted to Adam Parrish so we can all move on with our lives and maybe you can stop being such a dick to him all the time.” 

“Fuck you, Gansey.” Ronan’s words seemed hateful, but his tone was soft, lacking any venom. And in return, Gansey just smiled. 

“Not exactly the response I wanted, but I’ll take it.” Gansey grabbed Ronan’s arm, stopping him from walking any further. “Listen, I’ll let it go because I know you want me to. But, please, I’m just asking you to consider being a little friendlier to him. I know I can’t tell you what to do, but I can  _ ask _ you to ease up a little.”

Ronan took a deep breath. “I left him a glass of water, you know. And a few painkillers. And I’m going to sleep on the couch, so he can have the bed tonight.” At this, Gansey’s entire face seemed to light up. “Don’t get excited,” Ronan said, turning away to begin walking again.

“I won’t,” Gansey said from behind him. “But that does make me happy. Thank you, Ronan, for trying.”

And the two continued on, as they always did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 6! sorry for the wait, the united states briefly fell into anarchy on wednesday so my plans to write got a bit delayed.  
> anyway! comment what taylor swift song you think best describes adam and ronan!

“I seriously can’t wait to get out of here tomorrow,” Gansey said, setting his plate on the glass table. Seeking an escape from the bustling Gansey household, Adam found himself eating breakfast on the back porch with Gansey, Blue, and Ronan. It was a cold morning, and the grass was frosted, but it was much preferable to the crowded dining room that awaited them inside. No one seemed to notice their absence, and Adam felt relieved to finally have a quiet meal. Maybe he was just in a good mood now that his migraine had faded, but Adam felt truly comfortable for the first time since they had arrived.

“Don’t remind me we have to go back,” Blue said, closing her eyes as if in pain. “I have so much shit to do, I can’t even think about it right now.” Gansey laughed and shook his head. 

“I’m grabbing another cup,” Ronan said, standing up and stretching before walking inside. 

“By the way, Adam,” Gansey said, “Blue and I are going on a hike today and probably won’t be back until dinner, I hope you don’t mind.”

Adam quickly shook his head. “No, not at all, that sounds great. I need to do some reading for Monday anyways, so I could use some downtime.” Gansey smiled before finishing off his coffee.

“Oh yeah, how’s your head feeling?” Blue asked as she worked at the strawberries on her plate. 

“A lot better, I think I just needed a good night’s rest,” Adam said. “And thank you so much for the water and painkillers. They helped a ton.” 

Blue gave him a confused look. “I mean, I’m glad, but I didn't leave those? Gansey?”

Adam turned to look at him, but he didn’t return the gaze. Instead, he abruptly stood up, grabbing his mug. “Odd — no, I did not. I’m going to go grab another cup and see what’s taking Ronan so long — Blue, do you want more?” She shook her head, and Gansey swiftly left. Adam and Blue shared a puzzled look.

“I think his family has finally driven him to insanity,” Adam said, eliciting a laugh from Blue.

“He always gets weird when we’re down here. But anyways, I don’t know who left that for you. Mrs. Gansey, maybe? Probably don’t stress about it too much.” She gave him a knowing glance, before returning to her food. Adam wasn’t convinced — he can’t imagine her handwriting looks so brutal — but he let it slide, as he heard Gansey and Ronan stepping back onto the patio. 

When everyone had cleared their plates, they begrudgingly made their way to the kitchen, hoping to avoid the Gansey family chaos. Adam made a beeline for the sink, while Ronan was interrupted by a group of cousins eager to show him a new magic trick they’d learned. 

“Good morning!” Mrs. Gansey had silently appeared in the doorway. “Great to see you four. Gansey, I trust you and our guests had a lovely breakfast in the great outdoors?” She didn’t have an angry tone, but Gansey looked a bit sheepish after that comment. “Blue, dear, don’t forget that I put that new pair of hiking boots in your room — I think you’ll love them, and please keep them afterwards, they’re a tad large for me.” Blue thanked her, and Mrs. Gansey turned to Ronan. 

“And Ronan! I really could use you today. I have some old furniture that needs to be driven out to the dump,” Mrs. Gansey said, cheerful as ever, and Ronan shot Gansey a look that screamed  _ fucking help me. _ Gansey just laughed and ducked out of the kitchen, Blue happily following. Adam got the hint that whatever she was asking wouldn’t be fun, and he tried to follow suit. “Adam!”  _ Shit. _ “Oh, you’ll be so bored sitting around with Blue and Gansey gone, why don’t you help Ronan today? Keep him some company — and it’s a beautiful drive, where you’ll be going, it’ll really give you a sense of Virginia! Well, I suppose you’re from here — but it’s just gorgeous, I’m sure you’ve never seen this particular part before — ” Mrs. Gansey continued rambling, but Adam tuned her out. Ronan kept his face blank, but his hands were tightly gripping the countertop behind him. Adam tried to focus on smiling and nodding, but found himself meeting Ronan’s eye. The look Ronan gave him conveyed a message of annoyance, shaking his head before turning to wash his hands.

When Mrs. Gansey finally took a breath, Adam jumped in. “I’d be happy to help. And the drive sounds lovely, I’m sure I’ll enjoy myself.” She smiled and opened her mouth as if to say more, but Adam was already making a beeline for the door. So she turned to Ronan, instead, who shot him a death glare. But Adam didn’t hesitate to escape as he turned the corner, abandoning him with Mrs. Gansey. He could hear her talking Ronan’s ear off until he reached the stairs. 

—

“Speed limit is 60 out here — you’re barely going 50.” Ronan leaned over to check the speedometer, and he could sense Adam’s annoyance. The two of them were forced to take Mr. Gansey’s truck — almost as old as its owner — which he never drove but insisted on keeping. He had piled the old furniture into the bed months ago, and no one had ever gotten around to taking it. So of course, there Ronan was with Adam, alone, on a Virginian highway.

Despite the unsettling noises and barely-functioning heater, it was a solid machine. But Adam said he apparently did not think so; in fact, Adam was so sure the goddamn truck was going to break down that he refused to leave the right lane in case they needed to pull over. Adam argued that he had worked at an autoshop in high school, claiming to  _ know how these things work, Ronan _ , but he still got behind the wheel and started the car, so he couldn’t be that worried. Or maybe he was just afraid of disappointing Mrs. Gansey. Either way, Ronan wasn’t worried. 

But when Ronan felt his phone vibrate, he almost wished they would get in a wreck. 

_ Gansey told me he delivered my message. I would really appreciate it if you called me when you got back from break. I believe we ended things on a poor note. Despite what you may think, I’m not trying to ruin your life. -D  _

Ronan read the text and fought the urge to block Declan’s number again. Though he’d never admit it to Gansey, he didn’t want him to feel responsible for facilitating communication between him and his brother. He could sense Adam eyeing him, and Ronan suddenly felt like the car was far too hot. He turned his phone off and reached for the radio, hating the silence. He flipped through the stations, finding nothing but weather forecasts and insufferable talk hosts and music his Dad used to listen to — fuck. Nothing good. He left it on a station playing an ad for a used car lot, and Adam shot him a strange look. 

An expensive-looking car suddenly shot past their truck, blaring their horn. Adam flipped the driver off, cursing under his breath. Ronan remained still, unphased and frankly surprised that hadn’t happened sooner. Parrish drove like an old man. He was hunched forward like one too, gripping the wheel with both hands and squinting at the road. Ronan realized this did not seem intentional.

“Do you need glasses, Parrish?” Ronan asked, less fearful for his safety and more looking for an interesting response.

“Uh — I’ve never checked.” Adam was too focused on the task at hand to respond further as they entered a winding part of the highway, complete with sharp turns and an unsettling shade cast by the patch of tall trees on either side of the road. Ronan rolled his eyes and turned up the radio. 

“Can’t believe I let a blind man drive,” Ronan said, looking out the window at the thick greenery. 

“Well I’m not letting  _ you _ drive, we wouldn’t survive the trip.” Adam shot a glare at Ronan, tearing his eyes from the road. This was a mistake, and also quite ironic, Ronan would soon realize, as a deer shot out in front of the truck. Ronan shouted at Adam to  _ fucking stop the car _ , and Adam tried, he slammed on the breaks but the deer was far too close and the truck was far too old and Adam had looked just a second too late. Adam jerked the wheel, forcing them off the road with a loud bang and a sudden dash of movement as the deer finally fled. 

Adam sat as if pinned to his seat, both hands white as he gripped the wheel. Ronan had barely moved, beyond his initial instinct to brace himself against the dashboard. 

“Are you okay?” The question fell out of Ronan’s mouth automatically as he looked at his roommate, who had a shell-shocked look on his face. 

“Fuck — I’m fine. Are  _ you _ hurt?” Ronan shook his head, but Adam wasn’t even looking at him. “I can’t believe I just wrecked their truck,” Adam said after a long silence, voice faint as the radio that continued to play an obnoxious advertisement for some local business. Adam suddenly rushed to unbuckle his seat belt, throwing himself out of the car. Ronan leaned back and took a deep breath before following Adam, who was frantically inspecting the car for damage. There was very little actual damage to the body of the car. Beyond a few scratches that were probably already there, they both realized the only major issue was a blown-out tire. Ronan saw Adam breathe a sigh of relief when he realized the issue was fixable; inconvenient, certainly, but well within the realm of repair. 

“The Ganseys don’t even have to know about this,” Adam said with a nervous laugh. “We just need the spare.” Ronan watched as Adam rolled up his sleeves and pulled himself under the truck. “On pickup trucks, especially old ones, they usually mount the spare under here somewhere.” He could only see Adam’s legs now. One of his shoelaces was untied, Ronan noticed. And he had gotten dirt on the knees of his jeans from inspecting the truck. Ronan looked away.

“Uh — Lynch, there’s nothing here,” Adam said, climbing out from under the car. Ronan kept his gaze focused on the cars speeding past them. 

“There’s no spare?” Ronan asked, suddenly feeling quite annoyed with the whole situation. “Fucking great.” Adam leaned against the cab of the truck and crossed his arms, head tilted downwards. 

“What the fuck are we going to do? It’s not like we can walk off somewhere to find a spare.” At this, Ronan laughed. Adam’s face shot up, and he titled his head. “What’s so funny?” Adam asked with a cross tone.

“You’re just being stupid,” Ronan said matter-of-factly. “We’ll call the Ganseys and ask them to pick us up. Easy as that. They’ll figure out how to tow the truck.”

Adam looked as if he might throw up. “I just blew out a tire on Mr. Gansey’s  _ favorite  _ truck, are you kidding me? Do you know how shitty it is to invite someone to your house for the first time only to have them crash your fucking car?”

Ronan rolled his eyes and reached for his phone. 

“Hey, uh, this is Ronan,” he said when Mrs. Gansey answered. “Adam and I got into a bit of an accident — no, no one is hurt, just we don’t have a spare and we need a tow truck. And a lift, if you don’t mind. I was uh — I was driving and we swerved to avoid a deer.” At this, Adam stood up straighter and looked at Ronan with a furrowed brow. Ronan swallowed hard, meeting his eye. Adam was shivering a bit; he clearly hadn’t dressed with expectations of being stranded on the side of the highway. “We’re right by Exit 19. You’ll see us. Thanks.” Ronan ended the call. “See? You’re welcome, by the way. You owe me one.” 

“You didn’t have to lie.”

“Too late now, Parrish.” 

Adam just sighed and walked back to the truck, crouching to once again inspect the tire. Pointless, Ronan thought, but decided it was better than having Adam hovering over him. Ronan looked down at his phone; his battery was almost gone, and he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he charged it. 

“Adam — grab something to write with, probably in the glove box.” Ronan pulled up Mrs. Gansey’s contact — he’d be damned if he got stranded out here all day because his phone died and Adam didn’t have a way to reach her. 

“Why?” Adam asked as he returned with a crumpled receipt and a dull pencil. 

  
“Mrs. Gansey’s number. Phone is almost dead. And you can’t call Gansey or Blue, they don’t have service where they’re at.”

Adam just nodded, and Ronan finished copying the number just seconds before his phone shut off. At least one lucky thing happened today, he thought. 

—

When Ronan handed back the receipt, Adam felt as though the breath had been knocked out of him. Ten digits had been carved into the paper, hastily done with brash lines. Adam had something of a lightbulb-moment, which was all at once too much to process. His heart was still racing from the wreck they had just gotten into, and he was still perplexed as to why Ronan would take the fall. No, this was too much. He realized a moment too late that he stood frozen in front of Ronan, and when he looked up his roommate was staring hard. Not trusting himself to say anything, Adam put the receipt in his pocket and went to return the pencil to the glovebox. Ronan left him that note, didn’t he?

Adam couldn’t seem to will himself out of the truck again. He sat in the passenger seat, looking out the windshield at the highway. It was warmer in the truck, for now at least, and he didn’t want to be near Ronan right now. Minutes passed as Adam tried to clear his mind. But his thoughts kept drifting to that note, to Ronan’s strange behavior in the last 24 hours, to anxieties about what this meant for the next six months they were living together. Most of all, despite his best efforts not to, Adam thought of Ronan himself. He looked out the side mirror and saw his roommate fiddling with those bracelets of his, seemingly unconcerned with the entire situation. Adam thought of him in the passenger seat as they drove, he thought of what it felt like to have Ronan’s eyes on him. His chest got tight. There was something  _ different _ between them before they swerved; the air was lighter, there was no underlying sense of anger. Adam no longer felt as though Ronan was a ticking time bomb who would explode on him at any second. Instead, he almost felt like they could have a conversation.  _ Almost _ .

Adam caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and turned to watch Ronan swinging open the driver-side door. “Hand me the keys,” he said, and Adam dropped them into his hand. “It’s cold as hell out there.” Ronan turned on the ignition and switched the heater up as far as it could go. It wasn’t much, but it was something. 

The two of them sat together in comfortable silence until Mrs. Gansey arrived. As Adam watched her car pull next to them, part of him wished she had taken a bit longer. 


	7. Chapter 7

The past week had been strange for Adam, to say the least. When they returned to campus, he felt as though the whole world had shifted. The rest of their trip was uneventful. They had left early on Saturday, and as Adam watched the Gansey home recede into the distance, he felt a foreboding sense of dread as they returned to the mundane day-to-day of St. Jude’s. 

Adam had barely seen Ronan since they arrived back on campus. He wasn’t sure where he stayed for days on end, but Adam assumed maybe with Gansey or his nameless friends that floated around. On Thursday, Adam walked into their room only to see Ronan with a handful of books — odd, Adam thought, considering he had never once seen Ronan read — getting ready to leave. When their eyes met, for the first time since that weekend, he had to force himself to look away. When Ronan left without a word, the room felt strangely empty. 

And Adam didn’t know _why_ he felt so eager to see Ronan, but it seemed to dictate his every move. He would go to the dining hall in hopes of seeing Ronan between classes; he would make unnecessary stops in their room on the off chance that they’d run into each other. Sometimes, Adam even made unannounced visits to Gansey’s, hoping he’d be there. He tried to convince himself this was normal, constantly waging a mental battle to try and justify this behavior. He just found Ronan’s absence strange — that was all. Really. 

As he lay awake each night, trying to fall asleep in their empty room, Adam found himself thinking of Ronan’s smile, of Ronan’s unmistakable handwriting, of Ronan in the truck with him as they listened to some shitty radio station. It made his chest feel tight and his heart race. Adam didn’t sleep a lot that week. 

In an effort to achieve some level of distraction, Adam reluctantly accepted an invitation to _The Daily’s_ traditional pre-finals party. Gansey had been quite insistent that he attend, as Blue was hosting it and Adam was notorious for avoiding parties. Adam oftentimes felt exhausted come Friday night, and he much preferred sleep to loud music and drinking. 

But Adam wasn’t sleeping much anyway, and he was feeling quite bored after the Thanksgiving excitement. So, when Friday came he found himself standing on Blue’s doorstep. Before he could reach for the handle, the door swung open and a group of editors stumbled out. Adam slid past them into the apartment. Despite all the time he’d known Blue, Adam realized he had never been to her place. It was small, which was to be expected, with a low ceiling and a narrow kitchen connected to a living room that was already full of mismatched, thrifted furniture and an array of artwork hanging on the walls. Despite this, her apartment still seemed to fit a surprising amount of people. In the kitchen to Adam’s immediate right, the copy editors stood huddled in a group, plastic wine glasses in hand, laughing loudly at something playing on a phone. A loud cheer came from a group of photo editors and sports writers playing beer pong on Blue’s table. 

“Adam!” He heard someone shout his name from the middle of the room. Gansey appeared in front of Adam. Blue followed not long after, pleasantly calm despite their surroundings. “I’m so glad you could make it,” Gansey said, and before he could react, he found himself being hugged by Gansey. Adam laughed and looked over Gansey’s shoulder at Blue, who made a gesture indicating he already had quite a few drinks. 

“Good to see you, Gansey.” Adam stepped away and looked at his friend. Gansey put his glasses on top of his head, messing up his hair. The button up he wore was wrinkled and the sleeves had been hastily rolled up. Adam found himself wanting to do the same — the apartment air was stifling, now that he thought about it. 

“We were afraid you, uh,” Gansey struggled to complete his sentence, distracted by a nearby group of news writers engaged in a heated discussion about a recent piece. “You weren’t going — going to make it. Listen,” Gansey clapped a hand on Adam’s shoulder, “I think they need me over there. I’ll be just a minute, yeah? Don’t move.” Gansey made to leave, before turning quickly to Blue. “Don't go anywhere either, Jane! I’ll be right back.” 

“Jane?” Adam asked, giving Blue a bemused look.

Blue laughed. “It’s some stupid nickname — I don’t even remember where it came from, but he doesn’t use it often. Apparently it seems to come out most when he’s… inebriated.” At that, Adam smiled and shrugged off his coat, placing it gently on a chair that many had used for the same purpose. Gansey was preoccupied by the passionate (and quite drunk) debate he’d entered into, and Blue was being roped into conversation by her executive editor, so Adam ventured further into the room. He spotted the drink table and poured himself off-brand soda into a plastic cup. 

“Adam Parrish, at a party? Now this is a sight I never thought I’d see.” Adam turned to see the voice was Connor’s, a long-time news writer. His shirt had a variety of stains, probably from rounds of beer pong gone-wrong. Next to him stood a girl Adam had never seen before who had bloodshot eyes and a bored face. 

“Yeah, I decided to stop by I guess.” Adam shifted his feet, scanning the room for someone he could use as an escape.

“I guess you’re always full of surprise, huh?” Connor’s tone seemed joking, but Adam saw through the act. They had never gotten along; Connor had long-ago gotten it into his head that Adam thought he was better than him. Adam didn’t, really, but he _did_ think Connor was a total dick, so the two didn’t mix well. “I’m surprised, really, I hope this isn’t too low-brow for you, Parrish.” To Adam’s relief, someone called Connor’s name and he stalked off with the girl in tow. 

Escaping the crowded drink table, Adam made his way to Blue’s old couch, where a small group were engrossed in a game Adam didn’t understand that involved playing cards and shots. Amy, a photographer for the paper who had always been quite nice to Adam, motioned for him to sit down.

“Oh, no, I don’t want to play,” Adam shouted over the music, which had somehow become louder since he walked in.

“Come watch, then! You can help me strategize. I could use someone who’s more sober than I am.” Adam sat down, finding the game surprisingly fun to watch as Amy began to lose miserably. She didn’t seem too bothered though, and he was just happy to be occupied. The party raged on around them as more and more people filed into the small space. Adam didn’t recognize half the crowd. In the center of the living room, a small group stood in a circle, singing (rather, shouting) along to the playlist of early 2000s pop that played through Blue’s speakers. A group of tall boys gathered by the open window and passed around a cigarette, flicking ash out onto the sidewalk. Adam identified them as Ronan’s friends, though he couldn’t even begin to wonder why they would be at an event for _The Daily_. As far as parties went, the school newspaper wasn’t necessarily known for throwing the craziest events. Adam shrugged it off. One of Amy’s opponents reached into his pocket and popped something into their mouth, washing it down with the contents of his drink. That concerned Adam, especially considering he looked like a freshman. But he didn’t dwell on it long — Amy had stood up far too quickly, and before Adam could help stabilize her, she was crashing back onto the couch. Adam coaxed her up again before taking her arm. “Let's get you some water, yeah?” Adam led her into the kitchen, dumping her cup out before filling it in the sink. “Alright, not too quick.” Amy nodded and leaned against the counter as she began to drink. 

“There he is!” Adam looked over his shoulder and saw Gansey approaching, still quite drunk, gesturing to someone following him. “I told you he was here! Come on.” As they made their way through the crowd, Adam realized he was with Ronan. Suddenly, the cigarette-smoking boys made a whole lot more sense. But Adam couldn’t imagine Ronan was here out of his own volition. What did Gansey say to convince him to come, especially considering he wasn’t even in the paper? Amy wandered off, and Adam thought he should make sure she found a friend to stick with, but Gansey had reached him and she had disappeared into the crowd. 

“Lynch couldn’t believe you were here, but I told him you were here and now he’s here. I’m so glad we found you — I told you not to move you know — but you’re here and Ronan is here and I’m here which is quite good, I think.” Gansey’s gait was unsteady, and Ronan watched him with a slight look of amusement “Now we just need the lovely Jane — where is she? I thought she was right behind us.” Gansey scanned the room, quite frantically, while Adam and Ronan regarded each other. Ronan seemed uncharacteristically uncomfortable. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders were tense as their gazes met. He wasn’t even holding a cup — he must not be planning on staying long, Adam thought. This stirred up a small sense of disappointment in his stomach, which he desperately tried to suppress. 

“Gansey — woah, I’m right here, sorry, I got caught up back there.” At the sound of Blue’s voice, Adam looked away and watched her put an arm on Gansey’s shoulder to steady him.

“Everyone’s here! How absolutely lovely. Really, Jane was telling such a funny story earlier, you _have_ to tell it again.” Gansey smiled wide at them before taking a long drink from his cup. 

“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m sure you guys have heard it before —” Before Blue could continue, a group of clumsy freshmen brought their friend into the narrow kitchen for water. The four of them had to squeeze closer together to make room for them, and Adam found himself shoulder-to-shoulder with Ronan. He could’ve sworn his heart stopped beating for a moment. 

“Well you _must_ tell it again Jane, everyone loves your stories.” Even drunk, Gansey looked down at Blue with only the utmost endearment.

Blue shook her head and laughed. “He’s talking it up a little too much, but I suppose you haven’t heard it, Adam. Well, I had a really embarrassing first kiss with this kid in high school —” She was interrupted again, but this time by Gansey.

“After this, Jane, Ronan will have to tell Adam about _his_ first kiss.” 

With those few words, the world seemed to freeze. Ronan, Blue, and Gansey all seemed to enter a silent exchange to which Adam was not privy. Ronan stared hard at Gansey, and Blue looked between the two of them, her face betraying her feelings of shock. Adam, feeling incredibly confused and quite awkward, avoided looking at any of them. Clearly, this was not a welcome subject. And as if their silent conversation had ended, Ronan blew past them and stalked off, and Blue nearly yanked Gansey’s cup out of his hands. “I _really_ think you’ve had enough to drink, Gans.” She handed Adam the cup and asked him to throw it away, which he did.

“Wait, shit, Jane — I’m fine, where did Ronan go?” Gansey made as if to leave, but Blue easily stopped him.

“Am I missing something here?” Adam asked as she forced Gansey to take a glass of water.

“Uh — not for me to say. I think he needs to sober up a bit, I can’t believe he said that.” Blue’s demeanor seemed quite serious, and Adam felt compelled to leave.

“I might head out soon,” Adam said awkwardly.

“Oh, are you sure? Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, it just a touchy subject —”

Adam cut her off. “No, no, it’s good. I’m just feeling a little tired and it’s getting late.”

“Alright — get home safe, Adam.” 

Gansey, who was in his own little world, looked up at Adam. “Yes! Get home safe — see you later, Parrish.” Adam shot him a smile before walking off to retrieve his coat. As he shrugged it on, he spotted Ronan a few meters away, talking with his friends. He shot him a small wave, by way of goodbye. Ronan caught the gesture and quickly excused himself from his friends and began pushing his way towards Adam. Just before the two of them reached each other, their path was blocked when an over-eager sports writer knocked over an unsuspecting boy. It all happened in slow motion; the boy was knocked back, drink in hand, and landed directly between Adam and Ronan. In a futile attempt to regain his balance, the boy stumbled backwards into Adam, his arms flung out, and Ronan just watched as the contents of the boy’s cup landed on Adam’s shirt. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Adam said to himself as the boy muttered a brief apology. He looked down at his shirt before looking back up at Ronan, who had finally reached him. “Uh, sorry, I need to go clean off.” 

“I’ll help you,” Ronan said, much to Adam’s surprise. They walked to Blue’s bathroom together and shut the door, which was a welcome reprieve from the blaring music. 

When they were inside, Adam searched for paper towels, retrieving a roll from underneath the sink. “It uh, really isn’t much you know, I think I can manage,” Adam said to Ronan as he miserably wiped away the excess liquid. But Ronan didn’t move, and instead watched as Adam tried to salvage his shirt. “Can you grab me that towel over there?” Ronan handed it to him, and Adam wet it under the sink before dabbing at the blotchy stains. The bathroom was barely big enough for the two of them, and they had to awkwardly shuffle around as Adam tried to save his shirt from being permanently ruined. 

For the first time since they entered the bathroom, Ronan spoke. “You missed a spot,” he said, pointing to Adam’s left. 

“Where?” He pulled at the hem of his shirt to inspect it, but couldn’t seem to find it. The light was terrible, Adam thought, and he was certainly going to discover many more stains when he got home.

“Uh — no, not quite, it’s right here.” Ronan’s hand shot out and pulled at Adam’s shirt, thumb touching the missed stain. Adam froze, unable to move. Ronan’s knuckles had grazed Adam’s stomach when he reached out, and he felt as though he’d been electrocuted. They were so close that Adam could feel Ronan’s hot breath, and he suddenly felt quite self-conscious like he always did when Ronan was this close. Not trusting himself to say anything else, Adam just muttered a small _thanks_ and Ronan removed his hand (a presence Adam mourned, for just a moment). Drying that patch and putting the towel back on its hook, Adam smoothed his shirt before mustering the courage to look up.

  
“I — I think that’s as good as it’s going to get, for now. It’s just a shirt,” Adam knew he was rambling but he couldn’t stop himself, “and I’m doing laundry tomorrow which is good because I have some stain remover I can use —”

“Hey, Parrish?”

Adam turned to face Ronan, his back to the door. 

“Yeah?”

In one swift movement free of hesitation or restraint, Ronan reached his hand to Adam’s face and kissed him. It was the only thing Ronan could’ve done to truly surprise Adam, but he still kissed him back immediately. Ronan’s lips were soft and kind, and they tasted like cigarettes which normally Adam would mind, but everything felt perfect in that moment. All he cared about in that moment was Ronan: Ronan’s hands on his face and Ronan’s lips on his and Ronan’s body pressing him into the door. The angle was awkward and the doorknob dug itself into his back, but Adam didn’t notice any of it. Ronan Lynch was kissing Adam Parrish, and he felt lighter than air. 

When they broke apart after what seemed like an eternity (though was likely only a few seconds), Adam saw something new in Ronan’s eye: fear. Adam’s stomach sank to the floor as Ronan unceremoniously reached past him to throw open the door, and Adam stepped aside. He stood paralyzed in the threshold as Ronan made a beeline for the front door. He didn’t move again until someone walked down the hallway and asked if the bathroom was free. Adam stepped aside and, with racing thoughts, moved towards the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the uneventful chapter ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song inspiration for the title: i'd like to walk around in your mind by vashti bunyan. 
> 
> it's beautiful, and i highly recommend giving it a listen xx

Adam didn’t remember exiting Blue’s apartment or taking the stairs two steps at a time to reach the ground floor. One moment, he was  _ kissing _ Ronan Lynch, and the next he was standing on the sidewalk, alone, squinting as the cold wind stung his face. He didn’t know where to go — back to Blue’s was not an option, but neither was just standing on a street corner. And the thought of going back to his dorm room was painful. Not because Ronan would be there (if Adam thought he would be, he’d be running in that direction), but because of the finality of the act. To go to bed now would mean the night was over. And how could it be? 

Adam was startled by a pair of girls stumbling past him, and he recognized them from the game he played with Amy. He watched them walk the opposite way of campus, off to another party by the looks of it, and he felt strangely envious. Adam shook his head and began walking back to St. Jude’s. He forgot his gloves and seriously regretted it. Even in his pockets, his fingers felt numb. Adam wondered what time it was; how long had he spent with Amy? He thought to check his watch, but it wasn’t worth the biting cold. Adam continued on. 

It was only 10 minutes until he was standing at the front gates, but it may as well have been an hour long walk. And fuck, he really just needed to pause for a moment, somewhere  _ warm _ and somewhere quiet and somewhere that wasn’t his room that he shared with  _ Ronan _ who he just  _ kissed _ . Or, to be more accurate, Ronan had kissed  _ him. _ Fuck. He turned to his left and began cutting through the grass to reach the library. 

It was an unpleasant building, built half a century ago with ugly carpet and not enough windows. But it was open 24/7, and some student club served free coffee there until 3am during finals season. He walked through the doors and breathed a sigh of relief, sitting on a bench to collect himself. Why was he so tired? He checked his watch: midnight. His heavy breathing felt obnoxious in the silent entranceway, and Adam tried to slow it down as he felt the feeling return to his hands and face.

Fishing in his pockets for his phone, Adam saw a text from Blue.

_ hey did ronan leave w you? _

Adam’s heart dropped. What did she know?

_ No, sorry, don’t know where he went.  _

Blue responded nearly instantly, which only made Adam more nervous.

_ ur fine. sorry about that whole thing again. did you get home ok? _

He was being irrational. Why would Blue have seen them together? Still, his leg bounced and his thoughts raced as he struggled to formulate a response. 

_ Yeah, I’m back. Let me know if you need help salvaging your apartment tomorrow. _

Blue responded with a smiley face and Adam was relieved to put away his phone. He stood up and took the stairs to the second level to grab his coffee. As he warmed his hands around the cup, he sat on a dingy couch next to a Xerox, feeling more awake than he had all night. Adam sat there, eyes dazed and unfocused, until he had finished the last of his burnt drip coffee. A student walked past, hood up, smelling of cigarette smoke. It immediately reminded him of Ronan, and Adam became lost in a cycle of replaying that kiss over and over again. He found himself unable to resist the urge to rationalize it. 

Adam had never  _ hated _ Ronan, really. In fact, their first year at St. Jude’s, he’d even been  _ curious _ about Gansey’s elusive friend. Once, not too long after Adam had joined the paper, Ronan joined him and Gansey for breakfast in the dining hall. Ronan had regarded him warily, as if he wasn’t to be trusted. He and Gansey talked amongst themselves while Adam listened. The first thing Adam noticed about Ronan was that his voice suited him perfectly. His words were sharp, rough, his tone quiet but unmistakable. A few times, Ronan’s gaze drifted to Adam; he had offered a smile to Ronan when their eyes met, but didn’t receive one back. But his eyes were something else, and he had felt his chest tighten whenever they looked at one another. Adam found his thoughts drifting to Ronan more often than he would’ve liked their freshman year. A few weeks later, when Adam was half delirious and falling asleep at the news desk, he had asked Gansey if Ronan was single. It was a fair enough question, and it somehow fit into the conversation they were having about peoples’ dating lives, so Adam thought it would be subtle. Maybe it wasn’t, looking back. Gansey had laughed and shook his head.  _ Ronan’s not really the dating type _ , he said, and Adam dropped the subject. He would be reminded of Ronan every so often, when they passed one another in the street or he stopped by  _ The Daily _ to talk to Gansey. But as the moment passed and Ronan walked away (usually without a second glance at Adam), he pushed the thoughts from his mind. And over the summer, after not seeing him for months, Adam thought about Ronan less and less.

Adam never would’ve guessed he’d be losing sleep over him months later.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that the kiss couldn’t have been _real_. Ronan had only ever shown him complete disdain or utter indifference There were only two options, as he saw it: either Ronan was playing some sick, cruel joke on him, or Ronan was drunk. Or high. Or both, maybe. And Adam wracked his mind for every shred of evidence he could find to support this theory. Ronan had been unreasonably angry at Gansey’s comment which led him to believe he was under the influence of _something_ (though when had Ronan ever been reasonable, even sober?), his eyes seemed red in the bathroom (or was that the lighting’s fault?), he was tense and uncomfortable the whole time he was in that apartment (but the way he looked at Adam before he kissed him was anything but — God, there was so much truth in his eyes at that moment), and above all, he was _Ronan_ _fucking_ _Lynch_. He wouldn’t kiss Adam. Now that he thought of it, was he even sure Ronan kissed him at all? Maybe he had just fallen into Adam, his sense of balance thrown off by his intoxicated state. Really, that seemed like the most likely explanation, didn’t it?

Someone dropped a textbook on the floor, and Adam was brought back to reality. No,  _ no _ , Ronan had kissed Adam. But he wasn’t in his right mind when he did it. Adam was sure of this. Because Ronan wouldn’t feel that way about Adam. And Adam didn’t even know Ronan was gay.  _ Is _ Ronan gay? Kissing another boy didn’t mean you were gay. Did it?

If Adam got it into his head that Ronan had  _ romantic _ feelings for him, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from kissing Ronan again. Because, God, he thought Ronan was  _ perfect _ . But he couldn’t go there. It wouldn’t end well, because Ronan  _ couldn’t _ have feelings for him. No. Ronan was drunk, high, and he made a mistake.

Adam threw his coffee cup away. 

—

No one was happy to be at a pitch meeting on a Saturday afternoon after  _ The Daily’s _ biggest party of the semester. But everyone was a little scared of Blue, Adam guessed, and it was better than studying for finals. Even though he hadn’t had a sip of alcohol, he might as well have been as hungover as the rest. Blue stared at her laptop while Adam tried to navigate a conversation with an exhausted Gansey. He had walked in wearing a  _ hoodie _ (the first time Adam had ever seen him do that) with a cup of coffee from Lou’s, and his red eyes were lined with dark circles. It would’ve been a funny sight, if Adam hadn’t felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest for the last 16 hours. 

When Gansey threw himself into a chair next to Adam, Blue looked up and smiled. “Glad you finally got out of bed,” she said with a lighthearted tone, poking fun at him. 

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of willpower it took,” Gansey said, finishing off his coffee. “I am never drinking again, I promise you that.” 

Blue turned to Adam, as if reminded of something. “Oh shit, by the way — have you seen Ronan _at_ _all_ since the party?”

Adam looked between Blue and Gansey; she seemed mildly concerned, but Gansey just looked downright miserable at the mention of Ronan’s name.

Not wanting to admit he hadn’t been back to his dorm since yesterday afternoon, he just shook his head. “He’s gone off for days at a time before though, hasn’t he?” His hands were shaking, and he wondered if Blue and Gansey could notice. Blue just shrugged, and Adam suddenly felt quite annoyed at the lack of a clear answer.

After a few moments of silence, Gansey looked up again. “Yeah, you’re right. This is different — I think he’s just mad at me. It’s fine. He’ll show up, I’m sure.” 

What was Adam supposed to say to make Gansey feel better here? He couldn’t think. So he said the first thing that came to mind. 

“I’m sure he was just drunk and overreacting to whatever happened. He always turns up.”

Gansey laughed bitterly. “I wish. Ronan would never get drunk at a party like that with everyone around.” Gansey lowered his voice. “He refuses to talk to ninety percent of the people who work here — can’t stand them, really. No, he was sober, wasn’t he Blue?”

_ Oh. _

Blue nodded, her focus back on her computer. Adam felt the urge to stand up, to leave this claustrophobic office, to run far away and forget any of this ever happened. Ronan was  _ sober _ ? That couldn’t be right. A sober Ronan, a clear-headed Ronan, wouldn’t have kissed Adam.

“Will you let me know if you see him?” Gansey asked, a deflated quality to his tone. Adam promised he would.

Blue closed her laptop before she called everyone’s attention. Adam bounced his leg underneath the table and chewed on his pen as the meeting began. Adam thought he probably looked like a maniac, a ball of nerves compared to the hungover, dead-eyed editors he was surrounded by. He regretted not going to bed last night. Instead, after he finished his coffee, Adam had sat in the library, finding brief solace by joining a table of people he vaguely knew from his French class. When they left, he floated between the stacks, thumbing through books he recognized and finding his favorite passages. Anything to try and distract himself from Ronan. 

—

Adam flipped the  _ We’re Open! _ sign that hung on Lou’s door with a sigh of relief. It felt like the longest shift of his life, and all he wanted to do was go to bed. He knew he probably looked as terrible as he felt, and he’d made half the drinks wrong that day, and no one had left any tips, and he just wanted to fucking go home. So he cleaned the espresso machine, emptied the trash, wiped down the tables, stacked the chairs. As he filled the sink with soap, he felt a headache coming on, and he nearly burst into tears. Not out of pain, or sadness even, but just because of pure exhaustion. 

Gansey and Blue had walked him to Lou’s after the meeting — it was only a block away from her apartment, but Adam thought they were just looking for an excuse to distract themselves before tackling the post-party mess that was certainly awaiting them. To their credit, Adam did feel a sense of comfort by the time they parted ways. It seemed that the coffee had done Gansey some good, and he was nearly himself when the meeting ended. They had talked about the party (the good parts, at least), gossiped about an embarrassingly bad pitch that the sports editor had made, laughed about the dramatic phone call Gansey had received from his mother about some gossip at her country club. It felt  _ normal _ , and Adam was so grateful for those few minutes. But any sense of peace he’d gotten from his friends was long gone, and Adam felt as though he should just call it quits and knock out on the floor of Lou’s. 

Was he really so deep in his feelings that he was losing it over a  _ kiss _ ? People kissed each other all the time. In Europe that’s how people greeted each other for God’s sake. And it was a  _ party _ . How naive did he have to be to think a kiss at a college party meant anything? And Ronan hated him, he tried to remind himself. Ronan could barely stand to be in the same room as him. 

There was that note though, wasn’t there?

But he couldn’t let himself get into that. Not right now.

Adam was out the door at 7:30. Did he remember to turn the kitchen light off? He was going to have to go double check, wasn’t he? Adam reached into his pockets to put on his gloves (he finally remembered!) when he was startled by someone calling his name.

“Adam?”

  
He’d know that voice anywhere. He turned around and saw Ronan standing on the sidewalk, just a few paces away from him.

“Uh — Ronan. Hi.” Adam felt a wave of excitement course through him. What was he doing? It didn’t matter. He was here. In front of Adam. After everything, he was there.

“Are you closing up?”

Adam looked Ronan up and down — he seemed out of breath and he didn’t have a jacket on, as if he’d left in a rush. Did he come here to catch Adam?

“Yeah — I was heading back to the room.”

Ronan stared at him. “Right. I’m not, but I’m heading that way.” Didn’t Ronan just come from that direction? Adam tried to push that thought from his mind. “Can we talk?” 

Adam nodded and zipped his coat before stepping onto the sidewalk, side by side with Ronan. His mind was silent for the first time in hours, and he was so grateful.

“Alright. Listen. I need a favor,” Ronan said, his voice firm but quiet, as if they were sharing a secret.

“What is it?” Adam tried to keep his tone even, but he could feel the uncertainty in his tone.

“Can we forget last night? I want us to agree to never bring it up again.”

Adam stopped walking, and Ronan went a few paces ahead before he realized what had happened. He turned around and met Adam’s eye. “What?” he asked impatiently, clearly wanting Adam to just agree. 

  
But Adam couldn’t find the words to reply. 

“Is it seriously too much to ask of you to just forget it?”

“Ronan —”

“Jesus Christ — I’m not doing this. Look, I was drunk okay?”

It was dark, and cold, but Ronan didn’t seem affected at all. Adam took a deep breath, and when he exhaled he could see the fog front of him. “Gansey told me you were sober last night.”

To Adam’s great surprise, Ronan looked taken aback. He had never seen his roommate look so surprised by something before. “What does it matter Parrish? Fine, fuck you, I was just stupid. Not drunk, just stupid. Is that what you wanted me to say?”

Adam didn’t know if it was delirium or exhaustion or both that caused him to speak again, but the words fell out of his mouth without a moment’s hesitation as he walked towards Ronan. He wasn’t sure where the surge of confidence came from, but they were standing so close Adam could reach out and touch him. “Did you mean it?”

Ronan’s eyes remained locked on Adam’s. They were dark, and scared. Ronan had the same look he did right before he left Adam standing alone in that stupid fucking bathroom. His gaze drifted to Ronan’s mouth, and he thought of the moment they kissed, and the way Ronan’s hand had felt against his face. Adam would’ve given anything to see what Ronan was thinking at this moment, to walk around in his mind, to find out what the hell was going on in his brain. Adam waited so long for an answer, he thought Ronan might just let this silence go on forever. Would Adam be the one to give in and finally walk away?

But Adam didn’t have to wonder for long.

“Yes.” 

_ Fuck. _ That was all Adam needed to hear, all Adam ever needed to hear. Ronan opened his mouth as if to say something else, but Adam didn’t want to listen. He kissed Ronan,  _ hard _ . It was stupid and messy and Adam had nearly knocked them off balance with the force he used, but it didn’t matter at all because Adam Parrish wanted to kiss Ronan Lynch and Ronan Lynch wanted to  _ kiss him too. _ But Ronan was pulling away suddenly, and Adam felt panic rising in his chest. But Ronan’s hands didn’t leave his arms, and he wasn’t stepping away. No, no, they were just looking at each other. And Ronan  _ smiled _ in a way Adam had never seen before. This was nothing like Thanksgiving; this smile was joyful, boyish — Adam felt his heart skip a beat. He smiled back at Ronan, hoping the gesture could communicate the millions of thoughts that were racing through his head at that exact moment. And they remained like that for a few moments, until Adam spoke.

“I’m really glad you meant it.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone. you may be thinking, why is gansey so tired in this chapter? why is he wearing a tweed coat, and smoking cigarettes? is he perhaps wearing a turtleneck? maybe! here's the answer. i think that all of these things are incredibly hot. and therefore, gansey, the hottest raven cycle character, is doing all these things. because i really needed that this week.
> 
> anywho! i wonder what could possibly be going on with ronan and gansey,,,,

Ronan left Kavinsky’s apartment with a bad feeling in his stomach, dreading the final exam he had in just a few hours. Not because he was unprepared (though he certainly hadn’t touched the textbook in weeks), but more because it meant he was one exam closer to finishing the semester. Winter break meant time he’d be forced to spend back home, with Declan, away from Adam. 

They weren’t exactly attached at the hip, as Adam was insistent that he needed to focus on finals. Ronan had been floating between apartments that week, avoiding his own schoolwork and desperately trying to make time slow down. Ronan didn’t think his day could become any worse, until he saw Gansey waiting outside Kavinsky’s building. Any passerby would’ve noticed how exhausted Gansey looked. He leaned against the brick building with one shoulder, his arm folded across his chest to clasp his coat closed. His free hand held a cigarette to his mouth. His hair had been blown every which way by the wind, and his glasses were pushed up onto his head (a forgetful habit of Gansey’s, usually indicating his mind was somewhere else). It took him a moment to notice Ronan stepping onto the sidewalk. When he looked at Ronan, his eyes were dead. God, he looked tired. 

“Ronan,” Gansey said, by way of greeting. “How is Kavinsky?” he asked, tone curt. Gansey had never liked Ronan’s friends, but ever since Ronan made it clear they weren’t going anywhere, Gansey had made no effort to hide his feelings. 

“Blue doesn’t like it when you smoke, you know,” Ronan said after a long pause, unwilling to engage in any kind of  _ polite _ conversation.

“She’s not here. And it’s finals week.  _ And _ we have a special issue for the paper this week. I’m giving myself a pass.” Gansey seemed equally annoyed to be having this conversation, though Ronan couldn’t begin to imagine what gave  _ him _ the right to be upset. Ronan was supposed to be mad at him, not the other way around.

“Why are you here?” Ronan asked, knowing the answer but not interested in admitting this.

“Because you haven’t spoken to me in days. Despite the fact that I’ve  _ already apologized _ , countless times.” In fact, Gansey  _ had _ apologized for his drunken comment at the party. Via text, via voicemail, in person (showing up unexpectedly, quite like what he had just done) — but Ronan wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.

“You know it crossed a line.” 

“Jesus Christ, Ronan.” Gansey tried to sound exasperated, but it just came out tired. “This is all really rich, coming from you.” This comment did not surprise Ronan, but it still fueled his anger. “Are  _ you _ of all people really going to hold a grudge against me for something I did while drunk? How many times have I been in your position? I know it’s a shitty feeling, and I’m sorry. But I never got mad at you, Ronan. Instead, I picked up the pieces after you’d blacked out for the third time in a month. And before you say  _ anything _ , of course I don’t mind doing that. Because you’re my best friend. But I could really use a little effort on your part here.”

“What the fuck?” Ronan felt anger rising quickly in his chest and couldn’t stop it from spilling into his tone. “Gansey, I just get impulsive when I’m drunk.  _ You _ brought up something you  _ promised _ you’d never talk about again, especially not in front of — of other people.” Ronan had almost said Adam, but caught himself at the last moment. No, he couldn’t give Gansey that satisfaction. 

“Fuck — I’m  _ sorry _ . I know you hate when people break promises and I am truly sorry I did that. But it’s not like I elaborated.” Gansey paused for just a moment, as if choosing his next words with caution “And I’d like to remind you that the whole — the whole incident was a  _ lot _ more stressful for me than it was for you.”

“ _ Seriously? _ ”

“I thought you were going to die, Ronan. And you clearly didn’t care — but I did. And I still do. And I’m  _ sorry _ . But you — you don’t have the right to treat this like a criminal offense. Not after what happened.”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want, Gansey. I don’t owe anything to you.”

“I suppose you don’t, Ronan.” 

They stared at each other for just a moment, Gansey’s gaze full of exhaustion and Ronan’s full of vitriol, before Ronan turned around without another word and stalked back into Kavinsky’s building. He could hear Gansey calling after him, but he didn’t follow, so Ronan made his way back to the apartment.

“Lynch — don’t you have a final?” Kavinsky said when he opened the door after Ronan’s loud, brash knocking.

“Not anymore.” Ronan didn’t offer any more information, and Kavinsky didn’t ask. Instead, he just threw himself onto the same couch he’d been on just an hour ago, and he didn’t ask what was in the pills that Kavinsky had tossed his direction. Ronan swallowed them dry and waited to forget about his final, about Gansey, and about how his brother was going to kill him for failing this class. 

—

Adam was startled by a sudden knock at his door. For a moment, in his half-asleep daze that’d clouded his thoughts all week, he thought it might be Ronan, and he sprang from his chair. But by the time he had reached the doorknob, he’d realized it was probably Gansey, who was now twenty minutes late to their work session. When he opened the door, he almost didn’t recognize his friend. He smelled of cigarettes (had he been with Ronan?) and his cheeks were flushed, like he’d just spent all morning in the cold. Adam stepped aside to allow Gansey to enter. He walked in as if in a rush, throwing his bag down on Ronan’s bed (he was always more comfortable being on Ronan’s side of the room) and shrugging off his coat. It was Gansey’s favorite, a gray tweed piece with mismatched patches on the elbows and frayed seams from years of wear. Adam would recognize it from a mile away. Gansey leaned against Ronan’s bed frame and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

“Did Walters ever respond to your email?” Gansey asked after a long silence, during which Adam returned to his desk, staring blankly at the half-finished paper on his laptop. Their seminar professor was notorious for ignoring student questions, much to their mutual dismay.

“No — so I guess I’m just going with my original thesis,” Adam said with a sigh. He tried to take a sip of his coffee, forgetting it had been empty for hours. He threw the cup away and turned to look at Gansey. “Does Ronan know you’re here?” 

Gansey let out a humorless laugh. “He has a final right now, he’ll be gone for at least a few hours. So no, he does not.” Adam just nodded, not wanting to push the topic further. They  _ clearly _ weren’t speaking to one another. Although, Adam thought he’d probably seen Ronan just as much as Gansey had over the last few days. After that night outside Lou’s, there hadn’t been much time for much of anything. Adam was thrown into the deep end with research papers and  _ The Daily’s _ end-of-semester issue,and Ronan had suddenly been nowhere to be found. Adam didn’t think he was purposefully ignoring him, but he hadn’t been in the room for quite some time. Sleeping at Kavinsky’s, he’d said. And Ronan wasn’t a fan of lying. Adam knew he came back at times — just yesterday, Adam found a warm coffee on his desk. There wasn’t a note, but who else would it be? It made Adam smile, truly  _ smile _ , and he thought it was the greatest cup of coffee he’d ever had. Later that day, he’d slipped a $5 bill into the jacket Ronan had left draped over his chair, unsure when he’d get the chance to hand it to him personally. 

He and Ronan had spoken once, briefly, when they both ended up in the room one night. Adam felt lightheaded with excitement (or nerves, or both), and they’d promised to sort everything out after winter break. There was nothing special about it — in fact, it was really quite short, unremarkable — but to Adam it was deeply intimate. It was  _ casual _ , and genuine, and Ronan had even told him he was looking forward to talking. And all he could think about was something he couldn't make himself say out loud, which was, truly, that he would miss Ronan over these next few weeks. That night in the bathroom, that night outside of Lou’s, none of it was enough. For the first time in a long time, Adam felt  _ excited _ for the days and weeks ahead.

“Adam, can you read my conclusion? I’m not sure what I want to do with it.” 

“Yeah, sure Gans.” As Adam stood up, he was surprised to see Gansey had settled himself onto Ronan’s bed, sitting with his legs dangling off the edge. He longed to feel that close to Ronan, close enough to be in his space with such peace of mind. Adam took in a deep breath, as if he could exhale and in doing so erase the thoughts of Ronan from his mind. But all he could focus on was the smell of cigarettes. 

—

“Parrish?” Adam turned around at the sound of his name, and saw  _ Ronan Lynch  _ standing in front of the register. He looked as he always did, as Adam pictured him whenever he came to mind. His hands were in his pockets, shoulders relaxed, gaze steady on Adam. Though Adam could’ve sworn he was wearing the same clothes he left their dorm in a few days ago.

“Ronan — hey.” Adam couldn’t quite hold back a smile, and though Ronan didn’t quite return it, he noticed his eyes soften. “How are your finals going?”

Ronan shrugged. “They went. Just finished the other day. Listen — you’re off soon, right?”

Adam nodded. “Uh yeah — how’d you know?”

“I asked Blue,” Ronan said, as if Adam should’ve known, as if it were a regular occurrence for Ronan to be asking others about his whereabouts. It made Adam’s chest tighten. “Do you want to go on a drive? I’m leaving in a few days — Sunday, actually — for my brother’s house. I’ll be gone until break is over.” 

Adam squeezed his hands into fists to try and suppress the excitement he felt in that moment. “Give me five minutes, yeah? Second shift will be here soon,” he said, and Ronan just nodded before stepping outside. Adam watched him sit at one of the outdoor tables, idly playing with the keys in his hand. 

—

Adam buckled his seatbelt as Ronan turned the ignition. The windshield was frozen over, and the wiper blades scratched over the ice when the engine came on. Adam briefly looked behind his shoulder, into the backseat. There wasn’t a scraper, and Ronan didn’t make any move to get up to find one. So Adam settled back into his seat and watched the ice slowly thin, while Ronan flicked through radio stations. He found himself unusually relaxed, despite the surprising intimacy of being alone in a car with someone you’ve kissed. Twice. It was a comfortable silence, the first one they’d had in a long time. And Adam chose to simply  _ be _ in that moment, to tilt his head to the side and watch Ronan fiddle with his stereo, to meet his eye and smile and have it met with a warm look, to listen to the song on the radio that was much older than either of them and enjoy it. Ronan wasn’t stiff, or sharp; in this moment his edges had been softened and he looked at Adam with a sense of peace. That is, as close to  _ peace _ as Ronan Lynch could get, which Adam assumed was not very close. But to Adam, it was a new, exciting phenomenon. One that he thought would probably never stop exciting him.

It wasn’t until they were on the road, windows free of ice, that Ronan turned the radio down a few notches and asked Adam about his finals.

“They could’ve gone better, but they could’ve gone a whole lot worse,” he said simply, wanting to forget the last few days of hunching over his laptop, wanting to forget he still had to edit a final paper sometime that night. Adam was certain he’d never be able to write a research paper again, not after the mental gymnastics he’d been performing to make random JSTOR sources fit his arguments,  _ not _ after having to push thoughts of Ronan from his mind for days and days. Just for this little bit, Adam thought, they were alone together, free of everything that had been getting in their way for what felt like forever. Adam looked over at Ronan, who had one hand on the wheel and the other was by his face, arm resting against the door, and Adam noticed he had a habit of biting the skin around his nails. “I’m surprised you don’t spend the holiday with Gansey,” Adam remarked, remembering why they were on this drive in the first place. Adam noticed Ronan’s grip on the wheel tighten, and he realized he probably shouldn’t have brought it up.

“No, Declan might kill me,” Ronan said after a beat. “And I couldn’t let Matthew down like that.” 

Adam furrowed his brow. “You have another brother?”

“He’s sixteen. Just taught him how to drive last summer,” Ronan said with a small smile. Just as he said that, Ronan abruptly cut off a car in the next lane over, apparently deciding they needed to take the next right. And Adam laughed. 

“I’m sure that went well,” he joked, and Ronan laughed too as Adam looked in the side mirror and watched the driver behind them flip Ronan off.

It was silent for a moment, and Ronan had suddenly put both his hands on the wheel, which Adam thought to be quite out of character. Adam was not concerned for long.

“When we get back from winter break, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep crashing at Kavinsky’s.” 

Adam looked at Ronan again. “What?” 

“I figured you’d want some space. For a while. After — after everything. And Kavinsky is just being a dick lately and bringing all these people over that I can’t fucking stand.” Ronan took a deep breath, as if to say more, but Adam interjected.

“I don’t care where you sleep, Ronan. Really, it’s fine.” He tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it became Adam trying not to let out a laugh. He’d never expect Ronan to give a shit about that kind of thing, about the awkwardness of living with someone you’ve kissed twice (and hoped to kiss again, he thought).

“I’m not in the room a lot, anyway,” Ronan said, as if trying to convince Adam.

“It’d be nice,” Adam said, looking back out the windshield, “to have you around more.” 

Ronan smiled at that, but didn’t look at Adam. He took the steering wheel with his left hand and moved his right arm to rest it on the center console, right next to Adam’s. He gently draped his fingers over Adam’s wrist and began drawing light, idle-minded patterns into his skin. Adam wasn’t even sure that Ronan was aware he was doing it. But they continued on like that, and Adam closed his eyes and leaned his head back, as if shutting out the rest of the world would allow him to focus more on Ronans’ touch. He only opened them again when Ronan pointed out they were driving past a range of mountains, and Adam looked out the window to take them in. What made them beautiful was, of course, their natural glory, but more so the fact that he was watching them go by _with_ _Ronan_. Adam quickly came to find himself mourning the end of the semester.

They had been driving for quite some time, through wooded areas and winding roads, the mountain view long obstructed, when Ronan spoke up again. “Where are you going for break?” he asked, his voice a low hum as they slowed down for a sharp turn that would lead them further north, further from campus. 

“Staying around here, actually,” Adam said, hoping to sound as nonchalant as possible. Really, he was looking forward to the time alone. Campus was always peaceful this time of year; the student government made quite the production of stringing Christmas lights on the trees around campus, and often adorned the various statues of donors and founders and miscellaneous Important People with Santa hats and colorful streamers. Adam wasn’t a particular fan of holidays, but something about a St. Jude’s Christmas made him feel strangely optimistic amid such a dreary, cold, otherwise miserable month. Though, to be fair, Adam had been far more excited for winter break a month ago when the thought of Ronan being gone for weeks filled him with relief.

“Sounds peaceful,” Ronan said, “and quiet. I’m a little jealous, Parrish.”

Adam laughed. “I doubt you’ll be saying that when we inevitably get a foot of snow up here.”

“Do you like the snow?” he asked Adam.

“Not at all.”

“Me neither.” 

As the road began to straighten out again, Adam could see the horizon through the windshield. Delicately, Ronan reached his hand up Adam’s wrist and pressed his palm against Adam’s. Their fingers interlocked, effortlessly, as if they were meant to do so, and Adam quite suddenly realized he was holding Ronan’s hand. Adam smiled to himself — just as Ronan was — while they continued down the road. 


End file.
